Jealousy

Today I realised the point that has been haunting me for two days now. I was absolutely jealous of my friend, who hasn't written out sex to an extent where it can be self-directed, and is therefore still having energetic mind relationships, which he's trying to establish in the physical. I have tried warning him that the physical will be relentless, if he doesn't let go. I was speaking from personal experience, because I've been there. There is fuckedness beyond belief when going against equality and common sense in pursuing energetic sex, that much is true. However, I didn't notice that I am simply terribly jealous of him, because I do not allow myself this kind of behaviour anymore. I went into a sort of 'how dare you still pursue this when even I have come to terms with it' behaviour. 'There's a whole planet suffering, we don't have time for this shit.' My mind is terribly good at manipulating itself, and looking for a back door, through which I could fall again.

The point that is bothering me, in essence, is touch (not necessarily in a sexual way). I've been busy with touch for a while, and I have all sorts of mind definitions and pictures of how nice it feels, so those have got to go. I am missing touch, because I am so separated from myself, that me touching me doesn't do the trick.

Agreement with myself

Today I had an indiscretion, in which I interfered with the process of other beings. This point has been haunting me since forever and it stops here.

I was basically watching an energetic pattern between two beings play out, and since I am indirectly involved, I decided to expose it mainly due to my own selfishness. I was impatient, and wasn't willing to wait for the pattern to play out on its own, since I have limited time. I was reacting heavily inside, because I knew that I'm dealing with this the wrong way instead of writing it out. The consequence of it is that now one of the participants hates me, and the other one ain't too happy 'bout the situation either. There was a certain unwillingness to face self, and for a moment it made me worried about this whole endeavour that we're undertaking together, therefore I shared a story about me facing myself within my agreement with myself, which is worth sharing here as well:

Last year I had a relationship with a guy in hopes that he will eventually hear desteni and we can turn this into an agreement, but I was lucid enough to see right away that this will not work. I stopped all feely goody feelings and butterflies with self-forgiveness, the relationship fell apart, and I moved on. An agreement with self means that one is willing to face self even when all seems hunky dory, because there is an awareness that things are really not hunky dory on a planetary level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must push other beings to face self, instead of realising that it is always about me having to face something within myself.

I explained that I am worried about missing this opportunity to experience ourselves as ourselves instead of holding up an energetic picture of ourselves, and he exposed this as a mindfuck, which it is, because the opportunity is always there, and taken or missed only by ourselves.

all expectations must fall

I moved in with a friend in process. I had some expectations about this. I was expecting communication to be flowing easily, self-forgiveness to be done together, and I also expected to try non-energetic sex at some point. I was under the impression that walking with him, after two years of process, would be easy as one to three, only to have all of those perceptions tumble down like a house of cards. I was perceiving that there would be willingness to immediately face energetic points, which there wasn't, and suddenly I've found myself in the middle of this energetic relationship, where we're still competing, comparing and trying to win. There's a lot of awkward smiling going on, and a lot of knowledge and information is being thrown around.
At some point, before moving in together, I was approached with the question of how many masseurs I have, which is obvious code for sex, therefore the statement was energetic, and I knew this. I freaked out a little, because I didn't have any desire to have sex with this person, but I saw this as a good opportunity to face myself and push myself in terms of not having sexual desires and preferences about people. I told him that the thing is open for discussion, and I released some points with self-forgiveness, but I didn't notice how I became energetically possessed about it, when I was imagining how walking with a processee would be.
After two talks like that, I read in one of his blogs that he dislikes me now, and in that moment I thought "Classic behaviour - now that he knows that he can have sex with me, I'm not interesting anymore". I was a bit upset, because I thought that this could not be happening to him, beacuse he's been in process for so long, surely he must have written out quite some sex.
The thing I was most upset about was trust. I was under the impression (desire) that
I am able to trust a Destonian just as much as myself, but this is not the case.
I have been yearning for trusting and honest relationships forever, because I did not (and still don't) have absolute self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be able to be absolutely honest in a relationship, instead of realising that I have to be absolutely honest with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I can and must be absolutely honest with Destonians in process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be able to trust another person, instead of realising that I do not need to trust another person, if I trust myself completely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior within relationships that I perceive as mroe trusting than others, because there are more secrets being shared.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior to other people, whenever someone trusts me with a perceived secret.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have 'special' and 'more trusting' relationships with men/certain people, which woudl lift me up above the general population, because I am getting to know things that not everyone knows.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the general population of this planet within the desire to have 'special relationships' that are more than 'regular relationships'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the general population of this planet within feeling superior for having knowledge that not everyone has.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that knowledge makes/will make me superior to other people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must be trusted by other people, otherwise I am less than.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insulted and degraded, whenever I notice someone not trusting me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel outraged whenever someone does not trust me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and less than, whenever someone does not trust me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a positive connotation to the word 'trust'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word trust within the desire to be able to trust other people as much as I trust myself, instead of realising that the desire to trust other people comes from not trusting myself, and needing moral support on my decisions and actions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself entirely with my decisions and action.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need moral support with my decisions and actions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger and disbelief whenever I encounter unwillingness to face points in self-honesty with other people, and then blame and project guilt onto them, instead of realising that I myself am creating the same unwillingness to face points within myself, and am therefore only perpetuating the global ego fuckup by reacting to other people's and my own self-dishonesty.

revenge of the dentist

Yesterday I went to the dentist. I was afraid of dentists all my life due to immense pain of fixing my teeth without anesthetic when I was a child.

I wrote out the fears that I could remember, before I went to the dentist's office. On the way there I was amazed at myself how I'm not worried about going to the dentist. I was laughing on the inside. I was yet again flabbergasted by the undeniable effect of self-forgiveness.

I didn't get weak knees, when I sat on the dentist's chair. I didn't panic, when I saw the drilling machinery. My heart didn't race, when he was checking my mouth.

He was checking and poking around, stretching my lips apart like he wanted to make them two sizes bigger, but I didn't flinch. Then he sat next to me, and said: "We'll have to pull that wisdom tooth out." I felt a swoosh of fear throughout my whole body. I forgot to forgive myself for fearing my teeth being pulled out. I would have laughed at myself, only the fear was too overwhelming. I asked the dentist to let me out of the chair for five minutes, so I could take a stroll and think. I really wanted to go out and do my self-forgiveness, come back, and have it over with. But the dentist suggested we could do another surgery on another tooth, and take this one out next time. I agreed to that, and endured a violent, bruising surgery, with a whole lot less fears than before in my life. My main concern was the anesthetic not being strong enough, and me having to endure pain again. I was not specific enough with my self-forgiveness on that point.

After everything was done, and I was out of the dentist's office, I did start laughing at myself, because I was actually looking forward to going to the dentist the next time without fearing something I had feared for so long and neglected my teeth because of it. What a relief.

http://desteniiprocess.com/

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of going to the dentist due to anticipation of pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate pain, when I go to the dentist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of dentists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I will be in a massive amount of pain, if I visit the dentist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous and worried, whenever I sit down in the dentists chair.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive going to the dentist as an experience of immense pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous and worried whenever I smell the dentists chemicals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nauseous whenever I smell the dentists chemicals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nauseous and scared whenever I sit down in the dentists chair.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of sitting in the dentists chair.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous and worried whenever I sit down in the dentists chair.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate dentists because of the pain I have to endure whenever I am there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of the physical pain that I must endure in order to have healthy teeth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of the dentist drilling in my teeth because of past memories of pain while drilling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel contempt for dentists, because they choose their profession because of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that dentists choose their calling only because of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distrusting of my dentist and think that he is only after money and is not going to really fix my teeth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and be careful around dentists, because I defined them as people who are only after money, because who could possibly enjoy smelling and looking into people's mouths.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and be disgusted by the smell that comes out of people's mouths, when their teeth are bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of the smell that is coming from my mouth and bad teeth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to panic whenever I have to sit down in a dentists chair.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect pain and be worried about it, whenever I sit down in the dentist's chair.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worried about being hurt by the dentist physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worried that the dentist is not going to do his job properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accuse dentists of/think/believe/perceive that they are deliberately doing a bad job in order for people to come back to them and make them more money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word dentist with the word pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear experiencing pain whenever I go to the dentist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the dentists critique about my teeth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that the dentist has a right to be angry with me if I don’t take care of my teeth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worried because I do not brush my teeth every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my teeth by not brushing them every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and embarrassed because my teeth are yellow from smoking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that beautiful teeth are white.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word beautiful with having white teeth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am not beautiful/ugly because I have yellow teeth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel spiteful and jealous of people who have whiter teeth than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have whiter teeth than I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of going to the dentist because of pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be reluctant to visit the dentist because of prior expectations of pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the physical pain that accompanies going to the dentist, instead of realizing that I must do this for my teeth to not fall out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worried about having to endure physical pain at the dentists, instead of realizing that I am always ok afterwards and it is only a short lasting pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worried that the anti-pain medication will not work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of having an operation done to me and cutting me while I am awake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of feeling the sensation of being cut and operated on, while I am awake and fully aware.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hostility for the dentist because of causing me physical pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel violent whenever I experience physical pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid and fearful of experiencing physical pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel respect for dentists because they are people who are well situated within the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel attracted to dentists because they are people who are well situated within the system, and could therefore take care of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of the dentist drilling in my teeth, because I was afraid of the pain, instead of realizing that he must do that in order to save my teeth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of the dentist pulling my teeth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of the pain that is associated with pulling teeth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and embarrassed that my teeth have to be pulled out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of anesthetics not working good enough, and me having to endure physical pain because of it.

play, stop, rewind, play

The other day I was in the shower, and I caught myself having a conversation in my head with a guy about a certain subject he studies. It was partly based on my own realizations, and partly on knowledge and information, all within a certain wish to attract to and validate myself. I noticed the backchat, I started breathing, I went on with the shower and washed myself for a while. I was washing my calves, when I noticed the exact same conversation starting over in my head again. My moves became automated. I had a moment of disbelief and slight panic, and then I started breathing again. At that moment I realized that I was replaying the same thing that I had stopped with breathing a few moments ago, and that I really am nothing more than a sophisticated biological robot with very primitive and limited programming. I saw myself as a recorder. I record stuff, and replay and rearrange it in my head as I see fit, in that missing the whole experience of a shower or bath, which I used to love as a child. One could not get me out of the water, because I loved the feeling of it on my skin so much. I loved to play in water, and there was no bigger joy for me, than swimming in the sea as a child.

I remember going to the pool, quite some years after my childhood. I hadn't swam in ages. I got all excited about swimming, because I had a memory of loving to swim. When I got into the pool, I didn't feel anything. I have become completely separated from the joy and fun of swimming, enjoying myself without worries about what other people might think, if I walk on my hands on the bottom of the pool, while my legs stick out of it. Same goes for jumping over (sometimes invisible) obstacles in the road. At some point in my life it became unseemly and undignified for me to jump all over the place, while being outside, in public. All that physical, actual living, was through the years slowly but surely replaced by conversations in the head, because what else is one to do in a world, where manners won't allow beings to express themselves through movement in "public", and we designate special places, where one can go and pay money to jump up and down without being called an idiot? Reminds me of the "free speech zones" in America, it's just as preposterous.

Seeing myself as a recording camera made me laugh at myself hard for a few moments, but after that I looked at the whole thing more closely. I was wanting to replay that scenario in my head. I even remember looking for it. I was imagining what a situation like that would feel like in real life, where I would be the smart one, the cool one, the loved, cherished and appreciated one, like I did countless times before in my life, when I didn't know that that kind of life is no life at all. I would pursue the manifestation of these fantasies. To achieve them I would devote all my time and effort into building a conglomerate of personalities, based on relateable characters from media fiction that I used to take in. Within all that I would imagine that the real energies are even awesomer than I imagined, lol, what a fuckup. Thoughts are like drugs, really. They make one addicted to them. They pretty much also work like drugs in a physical-biological-psychological sense. They make all seem nicey feeley, while it's not.

In reality the energies of feeling good are just as unpleasant as the energies of feeling bad, only I never noticed the lack of difference before, because the thoughts in my head made all the difference. But when one doesn't regard "good" and "bad" anymore as part of reality, it all just becomes the same. The heart races, breath becomes short, pupil dilate and it's all very constricting.

pushing

My mother lives with in the same apartment as my siblings, everyone pays for their own room. My siblings are angry with me because I used to be a very volatile and violent person, but I've changed much during my Process. They're not willing to give me a chance to prove it, though.

So my mother's computer broke down, and she wanted one of my friends to come and fix it, and she contacted him. My friend agreed, and after that he called me to come along with him, because he doesn't really know my mother, and felt awkward going there alone. I agreed immediately, having completely forgot that I am not allowed to know where they live. Actually, there was some backchat as in: now they can't help it that I know where they live. I was all satisfied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a feeling of satisfaction, when someone needs me to do something for them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to need the feeling of being needed.

Then my friend drove up to my place, and said that my mother said that my siblings won't allow me to know where they live.

I freaked out immediately with anger, sadness, inferiority and hatred. I called my mother and asked her whether she cannot even stand up for herself to tell my siblings that I will be coming to her room, and that it's got nothing to do with them. She said no, which infuriated me even more, because a) she wouldn't stand up for me, and b) she displayed the same mental weakness that I hated as a child. She used to make me call her lovers and beg them to be with her, and I felt completely humiliated while doing that, but I couldn't stand my mother not being happy, because then she might leave me.

In any case, I told her to fuck off if she's not going to stand up, and that I never want to see her again. She reacted and replied with sending me an email in which she said that SHE doesn't want to see ME for at least a year. She was under the impression that I simply have to do self-forgiveness, and that everything will be fine, I'll stop reacting to her. That is essentially true in a perfect world, but not in ours.

She called me yesterday, and at first I didn't pick up, but having done a lot of forgiveness already, I realized that if I didn't communicate with her, it would be to "teach her a lesson", which would only perpetuate the energetic quarrel. So I called her back, and she said she wanted to see me. She said that she misses me, and she'd like to come to my place. My backchat was like: "Why the hell should I let you come to my place, if you're not showing me the same courtesy?" I also told her that I don't want to see her until she starts treating me as an equal, which means to let me come to their place. It was an energetic claim of wanting fairness. She started saying that my brother said that he would call the police, if I showed up there, which is preposterous, because the police cannot do anything if one is not violent, and he would have trouble because he's not even registered there as an inhabitant. She couldn't see that, though, because she was afraid of the threat itself.

So I told her to do her self-forgiveness on being afraid of my siblings and not standing her ground, so to speak. I told her that I will be meeting with her when I can come there, which was a total ego claim because of feeling humiliated and rejected, but she agreed, and today she sent me a sample of her self-forgiveness, which was barely scratching the surface, but it was self-honest.

There was a self-forgiveness in there about her being afraid that she'd end up alone and not being able to take care of herself when she's old, and in that moment I felt for her. I felt sympathy for her, which means that somewhere I also fear ending up alone.

I called her afterwards, because she asked for feedback, and I assured her that I will never abandon her. I quickly added that I am not saying it for her to let herself loose again, but as an encouragement to do more self-forgiveness.

She was also afraid of doing something that would trigger a violent response in me, and I assured her that I am also doing self-forgiveness, and that I'm slowly but surely getting rid of my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of being violent in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret and judge myself for allowing myself to be violent in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with violence whenever I was afraid for my future and safety.

I stop reacting with violence whenever the fear of/for the future or uncertainty of/for the future come up. I breathe and recognize the fear and self-forgive it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of people's reactions to what I have to say.

When I was little, I was being nice and polite to a passing gentleman, who didn't hear that I was simply greeting him, because I did it quietly and timidly, because I was afraid of grown-ups. The gentleman screamed at me "WHAT" three times, because I didn't repeat myself loudly enough. He seemed angry. He might have been angry at the kid he was dragging along. I took it as anger towards me, and couldn't wait to get out of that hallway as soon as I could. I felt confused with the world, because I was simply trying to be nice, to not ignore another human being passing me, which is acknowledging another as myself, but he reacted with anger, which made me not want to acknowledge others that much anymore for fear of being angry at, if I did so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear grown ups and their anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being hurt by grown ups physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking self-honestly, because I am afraid what people might think of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of people's opinion of my self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start disregarding others as myself because of fear of how they might react.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start fearing myself for becoming like grown ups.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming a grown up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear growing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and hate grown ups for being as stupid as they are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/perceive grown ups as stupid for allowing the world to be as it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of taking responsibility for finding a solution for the world as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find the quest for a solution for this world as daunting and scary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I am too small and insignificant to be able to find a solution for the world as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that in order to change the world, one must become the president of the USA. Which seemed impossible for me, because I am not from the USA, therefore I have no power, so I thought. I knew very soon that the solution to this world lies in politics. But it seemed impossible, because I was from a poor family. Therefore I slowly but surely gave in to and accepted my limitations. I am one, I can do nothing.

The first group I joined was Zeitgest Movement, but I didn't see any perspective there either, because no one suggested a political solution. I still was not satisfied. And then I found Jack's video on 2012, which told me that I am responsible, along with everyone else. That was satisfactory. Hard as hell, though. I'm just as compartmentalized from within as my world is from without. Everyone is taking care of their own ass, and so far so am I. But I'm kicking and screaming and the world is kicking and screaming in total conflict with ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the demonic nature of the human mind.

bug support with alcohol

Lately I've been having grave difficulties with my so-called friends, who are now doing everything in their power to spite me. They're gossiping about me, and being generally nasty towards me, because now they think that if they say something to my face, then they can say it behind my back as well. I am angry with them for it.

Friends in this world only like you, as long as you support their lies and self-deceptions. Once you stop standing for all that shit - you're pretty much friendless.

I've been getting a new sort of friend, though - bugs. I've been releasing my fears of bugs through self-forgiveness for a while now, and now I almost see them as pets. I'm still afraid of spiders, but I'm pushing myself to release those fears as well.

I've had an interesting experience with a species of bugs, which assisted me in letting go of alcohol.

I was at this "friend's" place, and I had a glass of beer in front of me. There were lots of insects around, and I started interacting with this green species. One of them landed on chips, and I started doing self-forgiveness on bugs on my food. The little insect started cleaning it's antennae in that moment. When I stopped doing self-forgiveness, the insect stopped cleaning itself. When I resumed, the insect resumed cleaning itself as well.

Afterwards it jumped into my glass of water, and stood on the water, utilizing water surface tension. I was amazed and I found it very interesting.

I left the kitchen for a moment, and when I came back, there was one of these green bugs in my beer, drowned, dead. I freaked out, and quickly took it out, but it was too late. There was some residual muscle movement, but the being had already left the physical.

I felt terrible. I put the insects body on a piece of paper to dry, hoping it would fly away when it dries up, hoping that the residual twitching means that it's still alive, but it wasn't.

I got the message loud and clear: "You're killing yourself by drinking alcohol."

I didn't drink alcohol that night anymore, but the next day I went back to that friend, and I had a glass of beer in front of me again. The green bugs were there too.

In a given moment one of them jumped into my beer again, to show me what I'm doing again. I panicked, and took the nearest thing (scissors) to fetch him out of it. I helped him get out, and when he was out, he looked at me intently for a moment, and then he flew away. He showed me that he had perfect control over his body, and the drowning yesterday way done deliberately - to show me what I am doing.

Now that I'm having this awful situation with my friends, I don't hang with them anymore and I don't drink alcohol. I'm realising how it really is just a social lubricant - a tool to enable us to more effectively lie to ourselves and run away from ourselves, abuse ourselves and others without feeling bad about it.

Till here, no further.