Monday 20 February 2012

all expectations must fall

I moved in with a friend in process. I had some expectations about this. I was expecting communication to be flowing easily, self-forgiveness to be done together, and I also expected to try non-energetic sex at some point. I was under the impression that walking with him, after two years of process, would be easy as one to three, only to have all of those perceptions tumble down like a house of cards. I was perceiving that there would be willingness to immediately face energetic points, which there wasn't, and suddenly I've found myself in the middle of this energetic relationship, where we're still competing, comparing and trying to win. There's a lot of awkward smiling going on, and a lot of knowledge and information is being thrown around.
At some point, before moving in together, I was approached with the question of how many masseurs I have, which is obvious code for sex, therefore the statement was energetic, and I knew this. I freaked out a little, because I didn't have any desire to have sex with this person, but I saw this as a good opportunity to face myself and push myself in terms of not having sexual desires and preferences about people. I told him that the thing is open for discussion, and I released some points with self-forgiveness, but I didn't notice how I became energetically possessed about it, when I was imagining how walking with a processee would be.
After two talks like that, I read in one of his blogs that he dislikes me now, and in that moment I thought "Classic behaviour - now that he knows that he can have sex with me, I'm not interesting anymore". I was a bit upset, because I thought that this could not be happening to him, beacuse he's been in process for so long, surely he must have written out quite some sex.
The thing I was most upset about was trust. I was under the impression (desire) that
I am able to trust a Destonian just as much as myself, but this is not the case.
I have been yearning for trusting and honest relationships forever, because I did not (and still don't) have absolute self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be able to be absolutely honest in a relationship, instead of realising that I have to be absolutely honest with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I can and must be absolutely honest with Destonians in process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be able to trust another person, instead of realising that I do not need to trust another person, if I trust myself completely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior within relationships that I perceive as mroe trusting than others, because there are more secrets being shared.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior to other people, whenever someone trusts me with a perceived secret.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have 'special' and 'more trusting' relationships with men/certain people, which woudl lift me up above the general population, because I am getting to know things that not everyone knows.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the general population of this planet within the desire to have 'special relationships' that are more than 'regular relationships'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the general population of this planet within feeling superior for having knowledge that not everyone has.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that knowledge makes/will make me superior to other people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must be trusted by other people, otherwise I am less than.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insulted and degraded, whenever I notice someone not trusting me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel outraged whenever someone does not trust me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and less than, whenever someone does not trust me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a positive connotation to the word 'trust'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word trust within the desire to be able to trust other people as much as I trust myself, instead of realising that the desire to trust other people comes from not trusting myself, and needing moral support on my decisions and actions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself entirely with my decisions and action.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need moral support with my decisions and actions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger and disbelief whenever I encounter unwillingness to face points in self-honesty with other people, and then blame and project guilt onto them, instead of realising that I myself am creating the same unwillingness to face points within myself, and am therefore only perpetuating the global ego fuckup by reacting to other people's and my own self-dishonesty.

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