Thursday, 29 December 2011

play, stop, rewind, play

The other day I was in the shower, and I caught myself having a conversation in my head with a guy about a certain subject he studies. It was partly based on my own realizations, and partly on knowledge and information, all within a certain wish to attract to and validate myself. I noticed the backchat, I started breathing, I went on with the shower and washed myself for a while. I was washing my calves, when I noticed the exact same conversation starting over in my head again. My moves became automated. I had a moment of disbelief and slight panic, and then I started breathing again. At that moment I realized that I was replaying the same thing that I had stopped with breathing a few moments ago, and that I really am nothing more than a sophisticated biological robot with very primitive and limited programming. I saw myself as a recorder. I record stuff, and replay and rearrange it in my head as I see fit, in that missing the whole experience of a shower or bath, which I used to love as a child. One could not get me out of the water, because I loved the feeling of it on my skin so much. I loved to play in water, and there was no bigger joy for me, than swimming in the sea as a child.
I remember going to the pool, quite some years after my childhood. I hadn't swam in ages. I got all excited about swimming, because I had a memory of loving to swim. When I got into the pool, I didn't feel anything. I have become completely separated from the joy and fun of swimming, enjoying myself without worries about what other people might think, if I walk on my hands on the bottom of the pool, while my legs stick out of it. Same goes for jumping over (sometimes invisible) obstacles in the road. At some point in my life it became unseemly and undignified for me to jump all over the place, while being outside, in public. All that physical, actual living, was through the years slowly but surely replaced by conversations in the head, because what else is one to do in a world, where manners won't allow beings to express themselves through movement in "public", and we designate special places, where one can go and pay money to jump up and down without being called an idiot? Reminds me of the "free speech zones" in America, it's just as preposterous.

Seeing myself as a recording camera made me laugh at myself hard for a few moments, but after that I looked at the whole thing more closely. I was wanting to replay that scenario in my head. I even remember looking for it. I was imagining what a situation like that would feel like in real life, where I would be the smart one, the cool one, the loved, cherished and appreciated one, like I did countless times before in my life, when I didn't know that that kind of life is no life at all. I would pursue the manifestation of these fantasies. To achieve them I would devote all my time and effort into building a conglomerate of personalities, based on relateable characters from media fiction that I used to take in. Within all that I would imagine that the real energies are even awesomer than I imagined, lol, what a fuckup. Thoughts are like drugs, really. They make one addicted to them. They pretty much also work like drugs in a physical-biological-psychological sense. They make all seem nicey feeley, while it's not.
In reality the energies of feeling good are just as unpleasant as the energies of feeling bad, only I never noticed the lack of difference before, because the thoughts in my head made all the difference. But when one doesn't regard "good" and "bad" anymore as part of reality, it all just becomes the same. The heart races, breath becomes short, pupil dilate and it's all very constricting.

Friday, 30 September 2011


My mother lives with in the same apartment as my siblings, everyone pays for their own room. My siblings are angry with me because I used to be a very volatile and violent person, but I've changed much during my Process. They're not willing to give me a chance to prove it, though.

So my mother's computer broke down, and she wanted one of my friends to come and fix it, and she contacted him. My friend agreed, and after that he called me to come along with him, because he doesn't really know my mother, and felt awkward going there alone. I agreed immediately, having completely forgot that I am not allowed to know where they live. Actually, there was some backchat as in: now they can't help it that I know where they live. I was all satisfied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a feeling of satisfaction, when someone needs me to do something for them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to need the feeling of being needed.

Then my friend drove up to my place, and said that my mother said that my siblings won't allow me to know where they live.

I freaked out immediately with anger, sadness, inferiority and hatred. I called my mother and asked her whether she cannot even stand up for herself to tell my siblings that I will be coming to her room, and that it's got nothing to do with them. She said no, which infuriated me even more, because a) she wouldn't stand up for me, and b) she displayed the same mental weakness that I hated as a child. She used to make me call her lovers and beg them to be with her, and I felt completely humiliated while doing that, but I couldn't stand my mother not being happy, because then she might leave me.

In any case, I told her to fuck off if she's not going to stand up, and that I never want to see her again. She reacted and replied with sending me an email in which she said that SHE doesn't want to see ME for at least a year. She was under the impression that I simply have to do self-forgiveness, and that everything will be fine, I'll stop reacting to her. That is essentially true in a perfect world, but not in ours.

She called me yesterday, and at first I didn't pick up, but having done a lot of forgiveness already, I realized that if I didn't communicate with her, it would be to "teach her a lesson", which would only perpetuate the energetic quarrel. So I called her back, and she said she wanted to see me. She said that she misses me, and she'd like to come to my place. My backchat was like: "Why the hell should I let you come to my place, if you're not showing me the same courtesy?" I also told her that I don't want to see her until she starts treating me as an equal, which means to let me come to their place. It was an energetic claim of wanting fairness. She started saying that my brother said that he would call the police, if I showed up there, which is preposterous, because the police cannot do anything if one is not violent, and he would have trouble because he's not even registered there as an inhabitant. She couldn't see that, though, because she was afraid of the threat itself.

So I told her to do her self-forgiveness on being afraid of my siblings and not standing her ground, so to speak. I told her that I will be meeting with her when I can come there, which was a total ego claim because of feeling humiliated and rejected, but she agreed, and today she sent me a sample of her self-forgiveness, which was barely scratching the surface, but it was self-honest.

There was a self-forgiveness in there about her being afraid that she'd end up alone and not being able to take care of herself when she's old, and in that moment I felt for her. I felt sympathy for her, which means that somewhere I also fear ending up alone.

I called her afterwards, because she asked for feedback, and I assured her that I will never abandon her. I quickly added that I am not saying it for her to let herself loose again, but as an encouragement to do more self-forgiveness.

She was also afraid of doing something that would trigger a violent response in me, and I assured her that I am also doing self-forgiveness, and that I'm slowly but surely getting rid of my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of being violent in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret and judge myself for allowing myself to be violent in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with violence whenever I was afraid for my future and safety.

I stop reacting with violence whenever the fear of/for the future or uncertainty of/for the future come up. I breathe and recognize the fear and self-forgive it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of people's reactions to what I have to say.

When I was little, I was being nice and polite to a passing gentleman, who didn't hear that I was simply greeting him, because I did it quietly and timidly, because I was afraid of grown-ups. The gentleman screamed at me "WHAT" three times, because I didn't repeat myself loudly enough. He seemed angry. He might have been angry at the kid he was dragging along. I took it as anger towards me, and couldn't wait to get out of that hallway as soon as I could. I felt confused with the world, because I was simply trying to be nice, to not ignore another human being passing me, which is acknowledging another as myself, but he reacted with anger, which made me not want to acknowledge others that much anymore for fear of being angry at, if I did so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear grown ups and their anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being hurt by grown ups physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking self-honestly, because I am afraid what people might think of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of people's opinion of my self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start disregarding others as myself because of fear of how they might react.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start fearing myself for becoming like grown ups.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming a grown up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear growing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and hate grown ups for being as stupid as they are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/perceive grown ups as stupid for allowing the world to be as it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of taking responsibility for finding a solution for the world as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find the quest for a solution for this world as daunting and scary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I am too small and insignificant to be able to find a solution for the world as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that in order to change the world, one must become the president of the USA. Which seemed impossible for me, because I am not from the USA, therefore I have no power, so I thought. I knew very soon that the solution to this world lies in politics. But it seemed impossible, because I was from a poor family. Therefore I slowly but surely gave in to and accepted my limitations. I am one, I can do nothing.

The first group I joined was Zeitgest Movement, but I didn't see any perspective there either, because no one suggested a political solution. I still was not satisfied. And then I found Jack's video on 2012, which told me that I am responsible, along with everyone else. That was satisfactory. Hard as hell, though. I'm just as compartmentalized from within as my world is from without. Everyone is taking care of their own ass, and so far so am I. But I'm kicking and screaming and the world is kicking and screaming in total conflict with ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the demonic nature of the human mind.

Friday, 16 September 2011

bug support with alcohol

Lately I've been having grave difficulties with my so-called friends, who are now doing everything in their power to spite me. They're gossiping about me, and being generally nasty towards me, because now they think that if they say something to my face, then they can say it behind my back as well. I am angry with them for it.

Friends in this world only like you, as long as you support their lies and self-deceptions. Once you stop standing for all that shit - you're pretty much friendless.

I've been getting a new sort of friend, though - bugs. I've been releasing my fears of bugs through self-forgiveness for a while now, and now I almost see them as pets. I'm still afraid of spiders, but I'm pushing myself to release those fears as well.

I've had an interesting experience with a species of bugs, which assisted me in letting go of alcohol.

I was at this "friend's" place, and I had a glass of beer in front of me. There were lots of insects around, and I started interacting with this green species. One of them landed on chips, and I started doing self-forgiveness on bugs on my food. The little insect started cleaning it's antennae in that moment. When I stopped doing self-forgiveness, the insect stopped cleaning itself. When I resumed, the insect resumed cleaning itself as well.

Afterwards it jumped into my glass of water, and stood on the water, utilizing water surface tension. I was amazed and I found it very interesting.
I left the kitchen for a moment, and when I came back, there was one of these green bugs in my beer, drowned, dead. I freaked out, and quickly took it out, but it was too late. There was some residual muscle movement, but the being had already left the physical.

I felt terrible. I put the insects body on a piece of paper to dry, hoping it would fly away when it dries up, hoping that the residual twitching means that it's still alive, but it wasn't.
I got the message loud and clear: "You're killing yourself by drinking alcohol."

I didn't drink alcohol that night anymore, but the next day I went back to that friend, and I had a glass of beer in front of me again. The green bugs were there too.
In a given moment one of them jumped into my beer again, to show me what I'm doing again. I panicked, and took the nearest thing (scissors) to fetch him out of it. I helped him get out, and when he was out, he looked at me intently for a moment, and then he flew away. He showed me that he had perfect control over his body, and the drowning yesterday way done deliberately - to show me what I am doing.

Now that I'm having this awful situation with my friends, I don't hang with them anymore and I don't drink alcohol. I'm realising how it really is just a social lubricant - a tool to enable us to more effectively lie to ourselves and run away from ourselves, abuse ourselves and others without feeling bad about it.

Till here, no further.

Friday, 7 January 2011

Fear of people

I was standing on the bus stop today, and there was a human being next to me. His back was towards me, and it hit me, how we turn away from other people, so we wouldn't have to make eye-contact, because eye-contact is a form of communication.

I looked at people running for the busses, a lot of them together, but separated into their own little worlds inside their heads… some are going home, some are late for class, some are meeting their lovers… and they're all running for the bus. But so separated... it almost hurts. I chuckled, but I noticed myself chuckling from a "poor robots" standpoint, and the next thing I remembered was that I also run for the bus sometimes. I had again allowed myself to judge and opinionate… like a good little robot.

I can't thoroughly remember it, but I know that it's there: the instance, where my mother told me not to talk to strangers. I grew up in a very interesting position. I was told that if I got lost, I was not to talk to strangers, but find a policeman and he'd help me get home. First of all, a policeman is a stranger, but I had to accept him as a more trustworthy stranger than others. Secondly, most any stranger would have done the same thing a policeman would, but just to be sure of those rare cases of child abuse… let's scare the child into thinking that all strangers, except policemen, are evil. So policemen are good, but if I misbehave, they will take me to prison.

How is a child supposed to stay sane in this world? It's not. It's expected to grow up into an insane adult, one that fears other people and is therefore easily controllable.

The fear of people brings along the fear of talking to people, and the fear of being seen a certain way. This renders one limited to one's true potential in bringing about a necessary change. When 6 bio people are in this mindset… we're screwed in separation.

I had realized some time ago that, in order to bring about a change, people need to start talking. But how do we talk, if we by default turn our backs to "strangers", to not have to deal with their presence?

In my experiment I found that young people are much easier to talk to than rigid grownups. I myself have no problems talking to people, once they show interest in talking to me, but approaching them is a little harder.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear talking to strangers.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear approaching strangers.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be afraid that I'll be seen as a weirdo, if I initiate conversations with strangers.

Strangers are the key. Strangers are the ones that are actual tabulae rasae. They are without opinions, and if approached correctly, can be given the knowledge. The analogy of the movie Lawnmower man comes to mind. One who is ignorant enough to be able to take in massive amounts of knowledge beyond belief without questioning any part of it.

I just realized that wanting to be seen a certain way implies wanting something in return in the future… be it friendship, support, money, attention, sex, time… which is not giving unconditionally.

In order for me to do this, I have to start giving unconditionally, to anyone and everyone. There is no other way out of it. That means printing up a bunch of papers with a short text and Desteni links. It's the only way.

who the fuck am I?

I have been participating with Desteni, and then again I have not. I have held onto an idea of myself for too long, justifying it with a perceived inability to participate correctly. My mind would come up with many bullshit excuses like "I can't write to myself" and "If I write to anyone else, I'm deceptive, because I will try and uphold an image of myself"… although that point may be valid, it still shouldn't have held me back from participating for so long, because… I'm late. I'm so fucking late that it hurts.

Sunette mentioned fear of people in the support vid on self-forgiveness. I had recognized myself in a lot of points she mentioned. I will vlog and blog more on the point, but I first have to start exposing the idea that I have of myself.

A year ago Bernard told me that, due to my design, I have more power and influence over others. I felt special and all tingly and happy, although I was aware that it's a fuckup, and I started forgiving on the obvious thoughts immediately.

I mentioned a problem of mine in the highly stupid email that I had sent him back then: I always seem to know what is going on inside others, yet due to their self-deceptions are unable to expose it. He didn't really help, when he replied: "As you said, you know everything." I immediately went into delusions that I can see more than others, which is in fact not true. Everyone can see everything. It's only a delusion on a mass scale that prevents it from being actually exposed. I think he said that to keep me here, and in thinking that (instead of just being here) I am again a delusional fuckup.

I have to expose this, although as I read it, I can see how I fuck with myself extensively.

I was still hiding. I was hiding behind an idea and belief of myself to such an extent, that I hadn't updated my facebook profile with pictures of my baldness, which indicates the wish for sexual manipulation with those deceptive pictures of myself "pretty".

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide behind pictures that show an unreal image of myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to continue to manipulate with sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to lie to people about my true appearance.

I have in fact been leading a double life. That ends here. I am a fuckup, and I'm embracing myself. No more hiding, no more lying to myself and others.

Recently my roommate called me out on that specific point, and I added the pictures to my facebook, and changed my profile picture to a laughing baldie.

It's interesting how I hide behind smiling, to hide my apparent ugliness.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see myself as ugly. It's a point I had not wrote about publicly yet, but I do know some of it's origins. My father had been nasty to me on the point, and I wanted to have revenge on all men for seeing me the way they do ever since.

I remember being about 10 yrs old. I was playing around with make up and girly stuff, and he slapped me, because he didn't want me to turn into my mother. In that he created a long lasting denial of my own sexuality and hiding the wish to be pretty. I was fat anyway, and I felt like I did not deserve to be pretty anyway, because all the pretty girls are thin. I grew up quite baffled about how come so many girls are thin and pretty, while I am struggling with weight. Why can some be happy by default, while others are miserable by default? This existence never made much sense.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that I am undeserving of being pretty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be pretty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to create the need to be pretty by comparing to other girls.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compare myself to other girls.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to equate being thin with being pretty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that pretty exists.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that ugly exists.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am ugly.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to create the belief that I am ugly from comparing with other girls.

In my process I have fallen a few times, rendering self-forgiveness useless with some points, where I actually have to physically change my living in order to push through it. I have made it harder for myself, but I'm willing to face it. There is no other way out, I've known that since the beginning.

I have allowed myself to stagnate in fear of stopping living the way I do. I am actually afraid of loosing all connections to this life I know and the people in it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear loosing my life as I know it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear loosing myself as I know myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think/believe that I know myself.

more later

Thursday, 6 January 2011

revisiting friendships

The holidays were interesting. I managed to wreak havoc on the whole little community of 4 in the apartment I live in, myself included. I managed to develop feelings for my roommate, which came to me as a huge surprise. I realised that I still struggle with fear for the future and of not having stability.

It's been an interesting journey of rediscovering my sexual preferences. Six months ago I moved in here, and my roommate (a girl with a boyfriend) has been having occasional fallouts in which she'd claim that she's sick of men, and that she's thinking of getting a girlfriend. My mind immediately latched on to the idea, and started hinting towards what it would be like. As time passed, the feeling got stronger, because I had been forgiving more pending points with regards to her, such as jealousy and comparison. While I was forgiving the nasty points, I managed to create multiple mind dimensions of how great it would be to be in an agreement with her, because she's so perceptive and understands Process stuff. I also created a few more, in which I wanted to beat the shit out of her boyfriend, because he's an evil shit, who's squeezing the life out of her with his delusion of love.

I've had a great "moral" dilemma… When we came home on new year's morning, he wouldn't let her sleep. He was insulted, and he completely demolished her room, and took both of our doors off their hooks, so we couldn't close them. She tried sleeping in my bed, but he would periodically go and uncover her and try to get her out of bed. When she'd get up, he wouldn't speak to her. Or me.

I was boiling inside during that whole show. The only reaction I allowed myself was: "I cannot support or ignore such behaviour." But I allowed it to happen a few more times, and I did not stop him. I didn't want to get into a physical confrontation, because I didn't want to hurt her with butting into her relationship, and because I was afraid of fighting him as well.

After doing self-forgiveness I realised that I should have stood up, peacefully and calmly, but firmly. I could have created a different time-line.

The next day I had her all to myself. We had fun, took a walk, we laughed, we talked, we clicked. Then we got into an emotional fight, and she called me out on my feelings. I folded. I started crying. That was the first time I had cried "for real" in months. I first wanted to hide it, but I saw a triumphant feeling coming up in her. She hinted in an evil tone that the feelings are not mutual. So I showed her the tears, and she lay off. She made us some soup, and we agreed that I'd send her an email. Then her boyfriend showed up. The notions of hatred, resentment, jealousy and spite came up, which I forgave, but I still had the nagging feeling of wanting to kick his teeth in. I found myself wanting him to give me an excuse to do it.

Around the same time Bernard started supporting us on the friendship point. He told us to revisit the point, because we're in fact supporting evil. Friends lie together.

I have, in fact, tried to support this guy, so he would be more satisfied with his own life, and stop sucking it out of her… but to no avail. Lesson learned. If one is not willing to change oneself, one will not be changed by anything or anyone. I tried to help him get a job - he overslept the interview.

I tried being his friend, and he kept stabbing me in the back. I supported evil. I suppose that was also one of the reasons I wanted to kick his teeth in. I was angry with myself for supporting him for so long.

I was having thoughts and plots of getting rid of him. My roommate and I already agreed that I'd have to get out of this flat some day, so that already fired back at me.

I had sent her two quite emotionally charged emails that night, and afterwards I consulted some tarot. It clearly indicated my failure, and I panicked. I wrote her another email in which I asked her to not read the first two, but delete them. I knew it was a fool's wish, because she had read them, but she's kind enough to not make fun of someone else's feelings, while they're there.

As I write this, I see how highly selfish and self-involved it is. It's so fucking easy to loose sight of the big picture, and it's so easy to make a delusion about seeing the big picture.

I've had another sit down with my roommate right now. I wanted to talk to her, and she got very defensive. She said that I have to leave on the 10th of March, and I have no say in it. I felt a slight stab to my stomach. I felt scared, hurt, defeated, unappreciated and disempowered. I couldn't believe that she'd do that to me. I perceived her as totally possessed by evil, and there was nothing I could do about it. The energetics released themselves all over my muscles. I felt physically weakened.

She went on with the evil, and tried manipulating me again with "I know your true feelings", but due to applied self-forgiveness she did not cause the same effect as before. She did not make me cry. I called her bluff, and asked her what she's talking about, and this time she folded. I explained to her that I already "deleted that film", and agreed to move out and stay friends. She added that in the end she might move in with me.