who the fuck am I?

I have been participating with Desteni, and then again I have not. I have held onto an idea of myself for too long, justifying it with a perceived inability to participate correctly. My mind would come up with many bullshit excuses like "I can't write to myself" and "If I write to anyone else, I'm deceptive, because I will try and uphold an image of myself"… although that point may be valid, it still shouldn't have held me back from participating for so long, because… I'm late. I'm so fucking late that it hurts.

Sunette mentioned fear of people in the support vid on self-forgiveness. I had recognized myself in a lot of points she mentioned. I will vlog and blog more on the point, but I first have to start exposing the idea that I have of myself.

A year ago Bernard told me that, due to my design, I have more power and influence over others. I felt special and all tingly and happy, although I was aware that it's a fuckup, and I started forgiving on the obvious thoughts immediately.

I mentioned a problem of mine in the highly stupid email that I had sent him back then: I always seem to know what is going on inside others, yet due to their self-deceptions are unable to expose it. He didn't really help, when he replied: "As you said, you know everything." I immediately went into delusions that I can see more than others, which is in fact not true. Everyone can see everything. It's only a delusion on a mass scale that prevents it from being actually exposed. I think he said that to keep me here, and in thinking that (instead of just being here) I am again a delusional fuckup.

I have to expose this, although as I read it, I can see how I fuck with myself extensively.

I was still hiding. I was hiding behind an idea and belief of myself to such an extent, that I hadn't updated my facebook profile with pictures of my baldness, which indicates the wish for sexual manipulation with those deceptive pictures of myself "pretty".

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide behind pictures that show an unreal image of myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to continue to manipulate with sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to lie to people about my true appearance.

I have in fact been leading a double life. That ends here. I am a fuckup, and I'm embracing myself. No more hiding, no more lying to myself and others.

Recently my roommate called me out on that specific point, and I added the pictures to my facebook, and changed my profile picture to a laughing baldie.

It's interesting how I hide behind smiling, to hide my apparent ugliness.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see myself as ugly. It's a point I had not wrote about publicly yet, but I do know some of it's origins. My father had been nasty to me on the point, and I wanted to have revenge on all men for seeing me the way they do ever since.

I remember being about 10 yrs old. I was playing around with make up and girly stuff, and he slapped me, because he didn't want me to turn into my mother. In that he created a long lasting denial of my own sexuality and hiding the wish to be pretty. I was fat anyway, and I felt like I did not deserve to be pretty anyway, because all the pretty girls are thin. I grew up quite baffled about how come so many girls are thin and pretty, while I am struggling with weight. Why can some be happy by default, while others are miserable by default? This existence never made much sense.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that I am undeserving of being pretty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be pretty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to create the need to be pretty by comparing to other girls.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compare myself to other girls.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to equate being thin with being pretty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that pretty exists.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that ugly exists.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am ugly.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to create the belief that I am ugly from comparing with other girls.

In my process I have fallen a few times, rendering self-forgiveness useless with some points, where I actually have to physically change my living in order to push through it. I have made it harder for myself, but I'm willing to face it. There is no other way out, I've known that since the beginning.

I have allowed myself to stagnate in fear of stopping living the way I do. I am actually afraid of loosing all connections to this life I know and the people in it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear loosing my life as I know it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear loosing myself as I know myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think/believe that I know myself.

more later