Thursday, 6 January 2011

revisiting friendships

The holidays were interesting. I managed to wreak havoc on the whole little community of 4 in the apartment I live in, myself included. I managed to develop feelings for my roommate, which came to me as a huge surprise. I realised that I still struggle with fear for the future and of not having stability.

It's been an interesting journey of rediscovering my sexual preferences. Six months ago I moved in here, and my roommate (a girl with a boyfriend) has been having occasional fallouts in which she'd claim that she's sick of men, and that she's thinking of getting a girlfriend. My mind immediately latched on to the idea, and started hinting towards what it would be like. As time passed, the feeling got stronger, because I had been forgiving more pending points with regards to her, such as jealousy and comparison. While I was forgiving the nasty points, I managed to create multiple mind dimensions of how great it would be to be in an agreement with her, because she's so perceptive and understands Process stuff. I also created a few more, in which I wanted to beat the shit out of her boyfriend, because he's an evil shit, who's squeezing the life out of her with his delusion of love.

I've had a great "moral" dilemma… When we came home on new year's morning, he wouldn't let her sleep. He was insulted, and he completely demolished her room, and took both of our doors off their hooks, so we couldn't close them. She tried sleeping in my bed, but he would periodically go and uncover her and try to get her out of bed. When she'd get up, he wouldn't speak to her. Or me.

I was boiling inside during that whole show. The only reaction I allowed myself was: "I cannot support or ignore such behaviour." But I allowed it to happen a few more times, and I did not stop him. I didn't want to get into a physical confrontation, because I didn't want to hurt her with butting into her relationship, and because I was afraid of fighting him as well.

After doing self-forgiveness I realised that I should have stood up, peacefully and calmly, but firmly. I could have created a different time-line.

The next day I had her all to myself. We had fun, took a walk, we laughed, we talked, we clicked. Then we got into an emotional fight, and she called me out on my feelings. I folded. I started crying. That was the first time I had cried "for real" in months. I first wanted to hide it, but I saw a triumphant feeling coming up in her. She hinted in an evil tone that the feelings are not mutual. So I showed her the tears, and she lay off. She made us some soup, and we agreed that I'd send her an email. Then her boyfriend showed up. The notions of hatred, resentment, jealousy and spite came up, which I forgave, but I still had the nagging feeling of wanting to kick his teeth in. I found myself wanting him to give me an excuse to do it.

Around the same time Bernard started supporting us on the friendship point. He told us to revisit the point, because we're in fact supporting evil. Friends lie together.

I have, in fact, tried to support this guy, so he would be more satisfied with his own life, and stop sucking it out of her… but to no avail. Lesson learned. If one is not willing to change oneself, one will not be changed by anything or anyone. I tried to help him get a job - he overslept the interview.

I tried being his friend, and he kept stabbing me in the back. I supported evil. I suppose that was also one of the reasons I wanted to kick his teeth in. I was angry with myself for supporting him for so long.

I was having thoughts and plots of getting rid of him. My roommate and I already agreed that I'd have to get out of this flat some day, so that already fired back at me.

I had sent her two quite emotionally charged emails that night, and afterwards I consulted some tarot. It clearly indicated my failure, and I panicked. I wrote her another email in which I asked her to not read the first two, but delete them. I knew it was a fool's wish, because she had read them, but she's kind enough to not make fun of someone else's feelings, while they're there.

As I write this, I see how highly selfish and self-involved it is. It's so fucking easy to loose sight of the big picture, and it's so easy to make a delusion about seeing the big picture.

I've had another sit down with my roommate right now. I wanted to talk to her, and she got very defensive. She said that I have to leave on the 10th of March, and I have no say in it. I felt a slight stab to my stomach. I felt scared, hurt, defeated, unappreciated and disempowered. I couldn't believe that she'd do that to me. I perceived her as totally possessed by evil, and there was nothing I could do about it. The energetics released themselves all over my muscles. I felt physically weakened.

She went on with the evil, and tried manipulating me again with "I know your true feelings", but due to applied self-forgiveness she did not cause the same effect as before. She did not make me cry. I called her bluff, and asked her what she's talking about, and this time she folded. I explained to her that I already "deleted that film", and agreed to move out and stay friends. She added that in the end she might move in with me.

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