Saturday, 23 October 2010

wanting to be famous

I wanted to be famous because my parents didn't give me enough attention, and I started craving attention from anyone and everyone.

It started when I was a child, and I was dreaming of being a model. I knew back then even that I will never be tall enough to be one, because my parents were quite short as well, but I dreamed about it, and adored and admired beautiful models.

Around the age of 12-13 my mother discovered that I can sing very well, and I had to sing the Little Mermaid song to her all the time, when we were in good relations.

I remembered now how my father once said that "it's too bad that Hilda never went into showmanship with her singing", and I remember being angry when my mother told me that. If he had told me that himself, I would have pushed myself to become a singer, as I've pushed myself to become a scientist, to fulfill his dream.

When I was little, my parents used to hang with the famous local people, and some not so local as well. I was used to semi-famous semi-rich company of my parents and relatives - my grandfather is a "famous Slovenian" director, and my aunt is a rich art dealer, who hangs with famous people. When I started going out to parties, I met a girl who introduced me to the concept of backstage. I was her protector against unwanted men, and she always had free access to the backstage, which automatically gave me free access to the backstage. I got used to it, and later I would invade the backstage even without that girl, because I considered it my god-given right to be there, and I would always provoke the artists in terms of intelligence, to prove that they, although they are famous, are not better than me. I felt inferior to them, and I had to compensate with my intellectual superiority.

Around the age of 21, I discovered that I could make music myself with a program, which would lead me to be famous, but I was too scared to do it, because I was fat, and fat people have no business being famous. I'll loose my weight first.

That was my main point in life - I started putting off everything into the future, when I will be able to do stuff, when I'm not fat anymore.

I inhibited myself all my life, because I was saving all the "good experiences" in life to do them, when I am thin.

I never dared to do anything that included exposing myself, because I was fat. I wanted to be invisible and at the same time I wanted to be thin and loved. The idea of fame festered in me, I was suppressing it and it came up again.

I have done many a forgiveness on this point of fame, but I totally missed the connection to being fat:

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to put stuff off into the future, because I am fat.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that only thin people can be famous.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hate myself because I am fat.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be famous, to get back at people who have hurt me.

That was another huge point for me - I wanted to get back at all the men, who have ever dared to leave me, by becoming famous. As soon as I get the attention of the crowd, they will automatically want me back, because they'll want a part of that attention. It has been going on since I was 17, when my first love rejection happened.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be famous, so I could get back at the people who were denying me their love and attention.

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