Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Yesterday I took my mom to the hospital

My sister and I went out looking for our mom, and found her - at my home.

The most prominent energetic experience was one of being angry at my sister for abandoning me, when I needed her the most (which was about 6 months ago), and her not wanting to understand why I found myself in the sorry state that I was in. It was the thread that kept reoccurring throughout the whole experience yesterday.

When we saw mom, I was being all calm and I wasn't reacting to her crazy behaviour. I didn't let it affect me in any way, until I saw my sister being affected.

It started gradually - I noticed my sister react with anger and worrying towards my mother, and at first I was calming her and telling her to not react. That went on for a while, and then I noticed myself becoming bad mooded. Afterwards I realised that I allowed that within myself because I saw my sister allowing it to herself, so I - slowly, but surely - started allowing it within myself as well.
I became bad mooded, and I went to wash the dishes for two reasons: to calm myself down - physical work helps me with being here and breathing, focusing on what I'm doing. The second reason was that the kitchen was messy, and somehow I didn't want my sister, who was visiting for the first time, to get the impression that I live in a messy household. I realised right now that I was trying to appear better than her, because cleanliness was never one of her strong points, and with that I was compensating for the points where I feel inferior to her. The major point of inferiority is the fact that she graduated from law school, and now she is taking on the study of agronomy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel inferior to my sister because she has a better education than me. - I yawned right now, and I lost it. I'll timeloop a bit.

As we went on through time, I started lashing out at my sister that I had to deal with this sort of shit all my childhood, and as the eldest couldn't focus on school as much as she could, because I was on the "front line", therefore I grew up as "more lost", and how come she can't understand that. She asked me not to talk about that now, and I went into silent protest. I was answering my mother's questions with a dull yes each time she would ask me some ridiculous thing or other, giving off the "I am not satisfied, because you don't understand me" vibe to my sister.

As a child I would take on the role of the family caretaker, because my parents were irresponsible drunks.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take on the role of the family caretaker, and in that feel superior to my siblings. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I was trying to ensure my own survival/happiness by taking care/cleaning our home.

It came from my grandmother. She always had a clean home, and I was always safe with her, because she was not a drunk. She was stable. I was trying to translate that stability to our own home, and in my childhood naivete I thought that if our home was clean, it'd have the stability of my grandmothers home. So I stayed up at night, when my parents were passed out, but safely at home, and cleaned the house, hoping that in the morning the day would be good, because it would start in a clean home.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to connect stability with cleanliness.

I am yawning terribly. To be continued in the morning.

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