Yesterday was a falling day. I have smoked pot again, after two weeks of not smoking, so I have to restart that again. Forgiveness here is useless, it takes physical stopping, and I did not do that, or rather, I did not continue doing that.
It was great for a while, I was so proud of myself for not smoking for so long - the first few days were terrible, I was thinking about smoking and I was breathing through those thoughts, and after the first few days it was easier. It didn't cross my mind that much anymore, and I was satisfied. But then my friend came to visit, and she "returned" some weed for two joints, not knowing that I had committed to stopping. First I said I wouldn't smoke it, but in the next moment I changed my mind. I smoked, and felt really bad afterwards. I also woke up with huge circles under my eyes in the morning, and feeling very very angry at myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be angry at myself for falling on the smoking pot point. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that by being angry at myself I am actually running away from facing myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to run away from reality with pot. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to run away from my responsibility with pot.
I had already applied sf on these points, which brings me back to the fact that here sf is useless.
I had been running away from myself in terms of following the Desteni Slovenia drama, rather than focussing on my own writing and application.
Another point that is quite relevant today is me running away from myself in terms of putting off my responsibilities in the future.
It began when I was a teenager, and I was an overachiever at school just by being so smart. But when I was 12, we moved to Slovenia, and all of a sudden I had to study to have the same results as before. That was grade 6, and I was not as successful as in the previous grades due to a new language and severe problems with a drinking emotional mom. I finished the 6th grade with a 4,0 average instead of the 5 that I was used to. I remember that I swore to myself that I would make a better effort in the next grade, but it never came to that, because in the light of my problems at home, studying for better grades seemed as impossible as it seemed arbitrary. Not relevant. My home was falling apart, and I could not really concentrate on studying. Proving myself at school was less important than fixing my home.
I forgive myself that I wanted to prove myself at school as better and smarter than my schoolmates. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to appear smarter than anyone else.
It is a point that I have been noticing with my new flatmate - she knows everything "best", and I've been noticing how she uses her persuasive tone of voice when she sells half-baked knowledge, to be superior to me. I used to do that a very long time ago, until I realised what I was doing, and afterwards I only used knowledge that was 100% checkable and which I was sure of within myself.
It bothers me, when she does that. I do not act on it, but I definitely react to it in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be bothered by Erna's wanting to appear superior in knowledge. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that in that I am bothered, because I have a definition of myself as being smarter than her. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compare myself to Erna in terms of "being smart". I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to appear smarter than Erna.
going to do a mind construct now.
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