Friday, 7 January 2011

Fear of people

I was standing on the bus stop today, and there was a human being next to me. His back was towards me, and it hit me, how we turn away from other people, so we wouldn't have to make eye-contact, because eye-contact is a form of communication.

I looked at people running for the busses, a lot of them together, but separated into their own little worlds inside their heads… some are going home, some are late for class, some are meeting their lovers… and they're all running for the bus. But so separated... it almost hurts. I chuckled, but I noticed myself chuckling from a "poor robots" standpoint, and the next thing I remembered was that I also run for the bus sometimes. I had again allowed myself to judge and opinionate… like a good little robot.

I can't thoroughly remember it, but I know that it's there: the instance, where my mother told me not to talk to strangers. I grew up in a very interesting position. I was told that if I got lost, I was not to talk to strangers, but find a policeman and he'd help me get home. First of all, a policeman is a stranger, but I had to accept him as a more trustworthy stranger than others. Secondly, most any stranger would have done the same thing a policeman would, but just to be sure of those rare cases of child abuse… let's scare the child into thinking that all strangers, except policemen, are evil. So policemen are good, but if I misbehave, they will take me to prison.

How is a child supposed to stay sane in this world? It's not. It's expected to grow up into an insane adult, one that fears other people and is therefore easily controllable.

The fear of people brings along the fear of talking to people, and the fear of being seen a certain way. This renders one limited to one's true potential in bringing about a necessary change. When 6 bio people are in this mindset… we're screwed in separation.

I had realized some time ago that, in order to bring about a change, people need to start talking. But how do we talk, if we by default turn our backs to "strangers", to not have to deal with their presence?

In my experiment I found that young people are much easier to talk to than rigid grownups. I myself have no problems talking to people, once they show interest in talking to me, but approaching them is a little harder.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear talking to strangers.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear approaching strangers.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be afraid that I'll be seen as a weirdo, if I initiate conversations with strangers.

Strangers are the key. Strangers are the ones that are actual tabulae rasae. They are without opinions, and if approached correctly, can be given the knowledge. The analogy of the movie Lawnmower man comes to mind. One who is ignorant enough to be able to take in massive amounts of knowledge beyond belief without questioning any part of it.

I just realized that wanting to be seen a certain way implies wanting something in return in the future… be it friendship, support, money, attention, sex, time… which is not giving unconditionally.

In order for me to do this, I have to start giving unconditionally, to anyone and everyone. There is no other way out of it. That means printing up a bunch of papers with a short text and Desteni links. It's the only way.

who the fuck am I?

I have been participating with Desteni, and then again I have not. I have held onto an idea of myself for too long, justifying it with a perceived inability to participate correctly. My mind would come up with many bullshit excuses like "I can't write to myself" and "If I write to anyone else, I'm deceptive, because I will try and uphold an image of myself"… although that point may be valid, it still shouldn't have held me back from participating for so long, because… I'm late. I'm so fucking late that it hurts.

Sunette mentioned fear of people in the support vid on self-forgiveness. I had recognized myself in a lot of points she mentioned. I will vlog and blog more on the point, but I first have to start exposing the idea that I have of myself.

A year ago Bernard told me that, due to my design, I have more power and influence over others. I felt special and all tingly and happy, although I was aware that it's a fuckup, and I started forgiving on the obvious thoughts immediately.

I mentioned a problem of mine in the highly stupid email that I had sent him back then: I always seem to know what is going on inside others, yet due to their self-deceptions are unable to expose it. He didn't really help, when he replied: "As you said, you know everything." I immediately went into delusions that I can see more than others, which is in fact not true. Everyone can see everything. It's only a delusion on a mass scale that prevents it from being actually exposed. I think he said that to keep me here, and in thinking that (instead of just being here) I am again a delusional fuckup.

I have to expose this, although as I read it, I can see how I fuck with myself extensively.

I was still hiding. I was hiding behind an idea and belief of myself to such an extent, that I hadn't updated my facebook profile with pictures of my baldness, which indicates the wish for sexual manipulation with those deceptive pictures of myself "pretty".

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide behind pictures that show an unreal image of myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to continue to manipulate with sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to lie to people about my true appearance.

I have in fact been leading a double life. That ends here. I am a fuckup, and I'm embracing myself. No more hiding, no more lying to myself and others.

Recently my roommate called me out on that specific point, and I added the pictures to my facebook, and changed my profile picture to a laughing baldie.

It's interesting how I hide behind smiling, to hide my apparent ugliness.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see myself as ugly. It's a point I had not wrote about publicly yet, but I do know some of it's origins. My father had been nasty to me on the point, and I wanted to have revenge on all men for seeing me the way they do ever since.

I remember being about 10 yrs old. I was playing around with make up and girly stuff, and he slapped me, because he didn't want me to turn into my mother. In that he created a long lasting denial of my own sexuality and hiding the wish to be pretty. I was fat anyway, and I felt like I did not deserve to be pretty anyway, because all the pretty girls are thin. I grew up quite baffled about how come so many girls are thin and pretty, while I am struggling with weight. Why can some be happy by default, while others are miserable by default? This existence never made much sense.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that I am undeserving of being pretty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be pretty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to create the need to be pretty by comparing to other girls.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compare myself to other girls.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to equate being thin with being pretty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that pretty exists.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that ugly exists.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am ugly.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to create the belief that I am ugly from comparing with other girls.

In my process I have fallen a few times, rendering self-forgiveness useless with some points, where I actually have to physically change my living in order to push through it. I have made it harder for myself, but I'm willing to face it. There is no other way out, I've known that since the beginning.

I have allowed myself to stagnate in fear of stopping living the way I do. I am actually afraid of loosing all connections to this life I know and the people in it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear loosing my life as I know it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear loosing myself as I know myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think/believe that I know myself.

more later

Thursday, 6 January 2011

revisiting friendships

The holidays were interesting. I managed to wreak havoc on the whole little community of 4 in the apartment I live in, myself included. I managed to develop feelings for my roommate, which came to me as a huge surprise. I realised that I still struggle with fear for the future and of not having stability.

It's been an interesting journey of rediscovering my sexual preferences. Six months ago I moved in here, and my roommate (a girl with a boyfriend) has been having occasional fallouts in which she'd claim that she's sick of men, and that she's thinking of getting a girlfriend. My mind immediately latched on to the idea, and started hinting towards what it would be like. As time passed, the feeling got stronger, because I had been forgiving more pending points with regards to her, such as jealousy and comparison. While I was forgiving the nasty points, I managed to create multiple mind dimensions of how great it would be to be in an agreement with her, because she's so perceptive and understands Process stuff. I also created a few more, in which I wanted to beat the shit out of her boyfriend, because he's an evil shit, who's squeezing the life out of her with his delusion of love.

I've had a great "moral" dilemma… When we came home on new year's morning, he wouldn't let her sleep. He was insulted, and he completely demolished her room, and took both of our doors off their hooks, so we couldn't close them. She tried sleeping in my bed, but he would periodically go and uncover her and try to get her out of bed. When she'd get up, he wouldn't speak to her. Or me.

I was boiling inside during that whole show. The only reaction I allowed myself was: "I cannot support or ignore such behaviour." But I allowed it to happen a few more times, and I did not stop him. I didn't want to get into a physical confrontation, because I didn't want to hurt her with butting into her relationship, and because I was afraid of fighting him as well.

After doing self-forgiveness I realised that I should have stood up, peacefully and calmly, but firmly. I could have created a different time-line.

The next day I had her all to myself. We had fun, took a walk, we laughed, we talked, we clicked. Then we got into an emotional fight, and she called me out on my feelings. I folded. I started crying. That was the first time I had cried "for real" in months. I first wanted to hide it, but I saw a triumphant feeling coming up in her. She hinted in an evil tone that the feelings are not mutual. So I showed her the tears, and she lay off. She made us some soup, and we agreed that I'd send her an email. Then her boyfriend showed up. The notions of hatred, resentment, jealousy and spite came up, which I forgave, but I still had the nagging feeling of wanting to kick his teeth in. I found myself wanting him to give me an excuse to do it.

Around the same time Bernard started supporting us on the friendship point. He told us to revisit the point, because we're in fact supporting evil. Friends lie together.

I have, in fact, tried to support this guy, so he would be more satisfied with his own life, and stop sucking it out of her… but to no avail. Lesson learned. If one is not willing to change oneself, one will not be changed by anything or anyone. I tried to help him get a job - he overslept the interview.

I tried being his friend, and he kept stabbing me in the back. I supported evil. I suppose that was also one of the reasons I wanted to kick his teeth in. I was angry with myself for supporting him for so long.

I was having thoughts and plots of getting rid of him. My roommate and I already agreed that I'd have to get out of this flat some day, so that already fired back at me.

I had sent her two quite emotionally charged emails that night, and afterwards I consulted some tarot. It clearly indicated my failure, and I panicked. I wrote her another email in which I asked her to not read the first two, but delete them. I knew it was a fool's wish, because she had read them, but she's kind enough to not make fun of someone else's feelings, while they're there.

As I write this, I see how highly selfish and self-involved it is. It's so fucking easy to loose sight of the big picture, and it's so easy to make a delusion about seeing the big picture.

I've had another sit down with my roommate right now. I wanted to talk to her, and she got very defensive. She said that I have to leave on the 10th of March, and I have no say in it. I felt a slight stab to my stomach. I felt scared, hurt, defeated, unappreciated and disempowered. I couldn't believe that she'd do that to me. I perceived her as totally possessed by evil, and there was nothing I could do about it. The energetics released themselves all over my muscles. I felt physically weakened.

She went on with the evil, and tried manipulating me again with "I know your true feelings", but due to applied self-forgiveness she did not cause the same effect as before. She did not make me cry. I called her bluff, and asked her what she's talking about, and this time she folded. I explained to her that I already "deleted that film", and agreed to move out and stay friends. She added that in the end she might move in with me.