pushing

My mother lives with in the same apartment as my siblings, everyone pays for their own room. My siblings are angry with me because I used to be a very volatile and violent person, but I've changed much during my Process. They're not willing to give me a chance to prove it, though.

So my mother's computer broke down, and she wanted one of my friends to come and fix it, and she contacted him. My friend agreed, and after that he called me to come along with him, because he doesn't really know my mother, and felt awkward going there alone. I agreed immediately, having completely forgot that I am not allowed to know where they live. Actually, there was some backchat as in: now they can't help it that I know where they live. I was all satisfied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a feeling of satisfaction, when someone needs me to do something for them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to need the feeling of being needed.

Then my friend drove up to my place, and said that my mother said that my siblings won't allow me to know where they live.

I freaked out immediately with anger, sadness, inferiority and hatred. I called my mother and asked her whether she cannot even stand up for herself to tell my siblings that I will be coming to her room, and that it's got nothing to do with them. She said no, which infuriated me even more, because a) she wouldn't stand up for me, and b) she displayed the same mental weakness that I hated as a child. She used to make me call her lovers and beg them to be with her, and I felt completely humiliated while doing that, but I couldn't stand my mother not being happy, because then she might leave me.

In any case, I told her to fuck off if she's not going to stand up, and that I never want to see her again. She reacted and replied with sending me an email in which she said that SHE doesn't want to see ME for at least a year. She was under the impression that I simply have to do self-forgiveness, and that everything will be fine, I'll stop reacting to her. That is essentially true in a perfect world, but not in ours.

She called me yesterday, and at first I didn't pick up, but having done a lot of forgiveness already, I realized that if I didn't communicate with her, it would be to "teach her a lesson", which would only perpetuate the energetic quarrel. So I called her back, and she said she wanted to see me. She said that she misses me, and she'd like to come to my place. My backchat was like: "Why the hell should I let you come to my place, if you're not showing me the same courtesy?" I also told her that I don't want to see her until she starts treating me as an equal, which means to let me come to their place. It was an energetic claim of wanting fairness. She started saying that my brother said that he would call the police, if I showed up there, which is preposterous, because the police cannot do anything if one is not violent, and he would have trouble because he's not even registered there as an inhabitant. She couldn't see that, though, because she was afraid of the threat itself.

So I told her to do her self-forgiveness on being afraid of my siblings and not standing her ground, so to speak. I told her that I will be meeting with her when I can come there, which was a total ego claim because of feeling humiliated and rejected, but she agreed, and today she sent me a sample of her self-forgiveness, which was barely scratching the surface, but it was self-honest.

There was a self-forgiveness in there about her being afraid that she'd end up alone and not being able to take care of herself when she's old, and in that moment I felt for her. I felt sympathy for her, which means that somewhere I also fear ending up alone.

I called her afterwards, because she asked for feedback, and I assured her that I will never abandon her. I quickly added that I am not saying it for her to let herself loose again, but as an encouragement to do more self-forgiveness.

She was also afraid of doing something that would trigger a violent response in me, and I assured her that I am also doing self-forgiveness, and that I'm slowly but surely getting rid of my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of being violent in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret and judge myself for allowing myself to be violent in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with violence whenever I was afraid for my future and safety.

I stop reacting with violence whenever the fear of/for the future or uncertainty of/for the future come up. I breathe and recognize the fear and self-forgive it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of people's reactions to what I have to say.

When I was little, I was being nice and polite to a passing gentleman, who didn't hear that I was simply greeting him, because I did it quietly and timidly, because I was afraid of grown-ups. The gentleman screamed at me "WHAT" three times, because I didn't repeat myself loudly enough. He seemed angry. He might have been angry at the kid he was dragging along. I took it as anger towards me, and couldn't wait to get out of that hallway as soon as I could. I felt confused with the world, because I was simply trying to be nice, to not ignore another human being passing me, which is acknowledging another as myself, but he reacted with anger, which made me not want to acknowledge others that much anymore for fear of being angry at, if I did so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear grown ups and their anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being hurt by grown ups physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking self-honestly, because I am afraid what people might think of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of people's opinion of my self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start disregarding others as myself because of fear of how they might react.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start fearing myself for becoming like grown ups.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming a grown up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear growing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and hate grown ups for being as stupid as they are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/perceive grown ups as stupid for allowing the world to be as it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of taking responsibility for finding a solution for the world as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find the quest for a solution for this world as daunting and scary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I am too small and insignificant to be able to find a solution for the world as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that in order to change the world, one must become the president of the USA. Which seemed impossible for me, because I am not from the USA, therefore I have no power, so I thought. I knew very soon that the solution to this world lies in politics. But it seemed impossible, because I was from a poor family. Therefore I slowly but surely gave in to and accepted my limitations. I am one, I can do nothing.

The first group I joined was Zeitgest Movement, but I didn't see any perspective there either, because no one suggested a political solution. I still was not satisfied. And then I found Jack's video on 2012, which told me that I am responsible, along with everyone else. That was satisfactory. Hard as hell, though. I'm just as compartmentalized from within as my world is from without. Everyone is taking care of their own ass, and so far so am I. But I'm kicking and screaming and the world is kicking and screaming in total conflict with ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the demonic nature of the human mind.