play, stop, rewind, play

The other day I was in the shower, and I caught myself having a conversation in my head with a guy about a certain subject he studies. It was partly based on my own realizations, and partly on knowledge and information, all within a certain wish to attract to and validate myself. I noticed the backchat, I started breathing, I went on with the shower and washed myself for a while. I was washing my calves, when I noticed the exact same conversation starting over in my head again. My moves became automated. I had a moment of disbelief and slight panic, and then I started breathing again. At that moment I realized that I was replaying the same thing that I had stopped with breathing a few moments ago, and that I really am nothing more than a sophisticated biological robot with very primitive and limited programming. I saw myself as a recorder. I record stuff, and replay and rearrange it in my head as I see fit, in that missing the whole experience of a shower or bath, which I used to love as a child. One could not get me out of the water, because I loved the feeling of it on my skin so much. I loved to play in water, and there was no bigger joy for me, than swimming in the sea as a child.

I remember going to the pool, quite some years after my childhood. I hadn't swam in ages. I got all excited about swimming, because I had a memory of loving to swim. When I got into the pool, I didn't feel anything. I have become completely separated from the joy and fun of swimming, enjoying myself without worries about what other people might think, if I walk on my hands on the bottom of the pool, while my legs stick out of it. Same goes for jumping over (sometimes invisible) obstacles in the road. At some point in my life it became unseemly and undignified for me to jump all over the place, while being outside, in public. All that physical, actual living, was through the years slowly but surely replaced by conversations in the head, because what else is one to do in a world, where manners won't allow beings to express themselves through movement in "public", and we designate special places, where one can go and pay money to jump up and down without being called an idiot? Reminds me of the "free speech zones" in America, it's just as preposterous.

Seeing myself as a recording camera made me laugh at myself hard for a few moments, but after that I looked at the whole thing more closely. I was wanting to replay that scenario in my head. I even remember looking for it. I was imagining what a situation like that would feel like in real life, where I would be the smart one, the cool one, the loved, cherished and appreciated one, like I did countless times before in my life, when I didn't know that that kind of life is no life at all. I would pursue the manifestation of these fantasies. To achieve them I would devote all my time and effort into building a conglomerate of personalities, based on relateable characters from media fiction that I used to take in. Within all that I would imagine that the real energies are even awesomer than I imagined, lol, what a fuckup. Thoughts are like drugs, really. They make one addicted to them. They pretty much also work like drugs in a physical-biological-psychological sense. They make all seem nicey feeley, while it's not.

In reality the energies of feeling good are just as unpleasant as the energies of feeling bad, only I never noticed the lack of difference before, because the thoughts in my head made all the difference. But when one doesn't regard "good" and "bad" anymore as part of reality, it all just becomes the same. The heart races, breath becomes short, pupil dilate and it's all very constricting.