Relationships

Since the beginning of process I've been basically ending up alone. That's what process primarily was for me - my world falling apart and me helping it along, while learning to stand up within it all. I've done all of that alone, and I've developed a certain amount of assertiveness, but I've also been deluding myself that I have changed dramatically. Yes, I have changed a lot, to the point that my family and friends have recognized big changes in me, but in the face of a self-willed equal, my experience is the same as it always was. That is to say that I still go "ROAR", whenever I encounter something that I do not like, and I want to overpower, only now I cannot blame it on my mind, nor do I want to, because mind is part of me.

Up to this point I somehow managed to get everything done the way I wanted it, and when I couldn't, I dealt with it with ease within myself, but now things are very different, because a self-willed equal can stand through manipulation points, where other people can't. Previously I had no expectations of people within my world, because I knew more or less that they wouldn't really hear, because they're not self-willed. So I did my thing and learned to rather enjoy myself alone, to the point where I prefer it over people's company. Because when I have company, I only go on and on about equality and the world in general, and I get rather bored with personal trivia if it's not shared in support, and I don't allow much of what I've allowed previously, so people who want to push what I don't allow within myself simply remove themselves, and that's it. No harm done.

But now I came to a point, where I'm a wee bit lost, because all my perceptions and expectations have nullified themselves, and I'm in uncharted territory. Walking with a processee is turning out to be more difficult than walking alone, which is just another proof that I have to stick to this, because difficult is where the actual change is at. I'm pushing through two sets of resistances now, and sometimes I explode a little. Today I was actually threatening to leave. That will not happen, I will stick to this if it kills me.

There is a certain amount of holy anger in me. I take responsibility to point out the fuckedness of the situation and expose the things I have walked and know. That's what I mean by pushing through two sets of resistances. We're allone in the end.

A funny point I have been experiencing lately is aloneness. The funny part is that I do not experience it when I am actually alone. I experience it within the relationship construct I have obviously built up with this person, because when he's home, I feel alone. I feel like there's a big wall, where there should be fluent communication, which means that I have fucked myself over nicely with them expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to threaten people with leaving, if they don't do as I say/ask.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as superior to people, whenever I threatened them with leaving, if they don't do as I say/ask.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of people leaving if I don't do as they say/ask.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as inferior, whenever I was afraid of people leaving, if I don't do as they say/ask.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear/inferiority, whenever I didn't want to do something that other people asked of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the experience of holy anger, supported within my mind with arguments of equality, which I have not yet reached.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utter the word equality without being aware of my breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for another's process, when I have not dealt with my own yet.