Fucking around

Lately I've been fucking around with my relationship constructs. I've been identifying point after point, and I was rather successful, but I've also been avoiding facing some points, like my weight.

I've been overweight all my life, and I experience it as this grave injustice. Why do I have to have such a metabolism, and other people can eat what they want? My weight is fucking with me in my head, and I cannot have proper interactions with people because of it.

If I want to loose weight, I have to starve, which is a wonderful point of self-sabotage. I've always perceived myself as unable to please men with my looks, until one time I starved myself to a much smaller size, and went into the opposite polarity of catching the attention of every guy I wanted and all the guys I didn't want. And even then I couldn't hold onto the one guy I wanted to be with, lol. This whole love business has been one big struggle in my life, therefore I was thrilled to learn what I've always known within myself - that it's all bullshit.

Despite the fact that I fully understand that, I still struggle with my own energies of looking for the safety that is implied within the construct of love, because I've never felt safe, having come from a pretty poor family and having virtually no material possessions within this world. I'm talking about owning my own home. If I did, I couldn't care less about who loves me and who doesn't. Pretty fucked up, since there's people in this world who are going through unbelievable physical pain because of having nothing to eat. I know the discomfort of being hungry, because I've subdued myself to it half of my life because of wanting to loose weight and looking for that safety that is implied within love. But I've never felt actual pain due to not having eaten for weeks. There's absolutely no way in my reality that I would not have been exposed to food for so long. So that is pretty fucked up, and I stop right here and now to try and loose weight, and start caring for my body regardless of its weight.

I perceived that I was always struggling, because loosing weight is "hard work". When I was watching what I was eating, or rather, didn't eat, I lost weight at snail speeds. I lived with a girl who was thin and perfect. One time we went without food for an entire weekend. At the end of that fast she weighed 3 kilograms less, and me only 0,5. I was outraged, sad, unhappy, completely despairing. "I will never be able to do this." Within that - I knew the whole time that letting go of the desire to do it is the way to go, however, I was still wanting to experience "love", which goes through sex and picture manipulation. LOL.

It stops here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to please men with my looks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to loose weight in order to please men with my looks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to starve and abuse my physical body within the desire to please men with my looks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to catch a man into the construct of love, so that I would feel safe and taken care of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate and define love with safety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pressured to loose weight and achieve the model of beauty I have defined for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my being overweight as a grave injustice that is happening to me, instead of realising it as my own personal program/drama that keeps me occupied and ineffective within this world, where people starve to death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define love as bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate "love", because I perceived myself as unable to find/create it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to find/create love with another person, instead of realising that I have to love myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body with starving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for abusing my physical body with starving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the construct of beauty within this world, and abusing my physical body by doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel spiteful towards men who participate with the beauty construct within this world and are judging me for my appearance, instead of realising that it is about me judging my appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/define my appearance as not pleasing enough when I am overweight a lot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to loose weight in order to have a pleasing appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by my appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to thin women due to my appearance.