the ugly side of the mind

I've been observing lately how I manipulate myself into jealousy and desire through other people. I feed on the energy of people around me, on their attention or lack thereof. There is no me. There is only everyone else, and me wanting to be equal to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to energetically feed on people giving me attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as superior, whenever I get attention from people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependant on the energetic high of getting people's/the opposite sex's attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and become subdued to an energetic low, whenever I do not get attention from people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as unequal to people/the opposite sex, instead of realising myself as a physically equal being to all beings on earth.

Whenever I catch myself trying to overpower equal beings within my desire for attention/feeling inferior for not getting attention,- I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to need/take the right- to feed on the energetic dependence of others towards me, because I realise that this is not Life as who I am within oneness and equality.

I don't feel good in my skin. I feel like I constantly have to prove something to myself through others. I don't like myself. I need the opposite sex to like me in order for me to like myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for other people to validate me and give me worth, instead of realising that it is me who has to give myself validation and worth by stopping participating within the perceptions and beliefs that I have no worth, and even that I should have worth, because worth is a term that implies a gradient/hierarchy, which cannot exist within oneness and equality. Nothing can have worth, because everything is worth the same.

I am picky about who I want to like me. People I perceive as fat and/or ugly are out of the question. I want/need/desire what I have accepted as my own definition of beauty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and rate people according to their picture presentation, and within that completely disregard who they are as Life.

Whenever I notice myself judging/rating/grading people's appearance within my world, I stop, I breathe and I realise that I am in fact judging/rating/grading myself and valuing myself according to the energetic relationship that I have with those people. I breathe and I stop judging/rating/grading myself through grading other people.

I lie to people that looks are not that important to me, because I want to keep feeding on their energy and attention. I want them to want me, but at the same time I don't want to be with them, I simply need that fix of "being liked", therefore I will keep them dependant on me through word manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to people about my preferences in order to keep them interested in me so I can feed on my self-created energetic perception of being liked and wanted/needed.

Whenever I see someone else communicating with my target, I go crazy with jealousy and start "marking my turf" by manipulating them and myself further by touching them firmly, almost angrily, and then continue gently massaging, as to assure maximum energetic dependency on myself. I pretend to like people's hobbies and likes, and dislike their dislikes, in order to further that manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of loosing people's attention to other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I must compete for people's attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to like people's likes, and dislike their dislikes, in order to be liked by them, so that I could through them like myself, because otherwise I don't like myself.

Why don't I like myself?

Because my picture presentation, physical body and experience within this world are not as I want/need/desire them to be according to my preprogrammed mind consciousness system of thoughts, feelings and emotions. I know this, however, I still think that I can and want to achieve something, experience something more, have what I couldn't have before... within that completely disregarding the ground that I'm standing on, my own breath or the needless suffering of countless beings, which is perpetuated by that, which I am doing right now, instead of applying myself in order to get this show on the road.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie/think/believe/perceive to myself that I have no direction, and support that lie/yadayada by validating it with other people's statements about it, when in fact I do not want to direct things, because I have never directed before. I am waiting for direction to come as a result of process, instead of realising that I have to direct my self within breath in the moment according to the common sense mathematical principles of oneness and equality.