Tuesday, 20 March 2012


Today my past came to haunt me in a spectacular way. A friend challenged me, in front of his former girlfriend, who still has feelings for him, with absolutely no regard for what she's experiencing, whether I ever wanted to have sex with him.

It was a blushing moment for me, because I had made a subtle pass, an insinuation at this person in the past, solely because at that time in my life I needed the confirmation and attention of every single male figure in my world to validate me as "desirable" and "good enough", all stemming from a deep sense of insecurity. So I blushed and said "no", because I felt awfully sorry for the girl, because I sure as hell wouldn't want something like this to be happening to me, but I saw that she was self-directive enough to not react, so I came clean and breathed through the moment, while rolling my eyes in an apologetic manner. I had made a pass at her boyfriend with no regards for other people involved in the situation, and this was not the only case when that happened. I "took over" my first boyfriend from his then girlfriend and shut off any feelings of guilt due to my own self-interest. I considered myself to be "the other woman" type, and I kind of accepted and allowed that about myself - that insatiable hunt for my own pleasures and desires, without actually regarding what I am doing to other people.

Funny thing, I wrote these self-forgivenesses just yesterday, and I was amazed at how well they worked, as I was able to stand through any and all energetic manipulations from this friend, without wanting to compromise myself for his attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to occupy men, whom I have no interest in, but still like their attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to insinuate sexual activities to men, who I have no interest in having sexual activities with, in order to get their attention and feel good about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk to other people from the starting point of validating myself through their attention, and within that compromise my expression as life within oneness and equality.

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