Fear of people

I was standing on the bus stop today, and there was a human being next to me. His back was towards me, and it hit me, how we turn away from other people, so we wouldn't have to make eye-contact, because eye-contact is a form of communication.

I looked at people running for the busses, a lot of them together, but separated into their own little worlds inside their heads… some are going home, some are late for class, some are meeting their lovers… and they're all running for the bus. But so separated... it almost hurts. I chuckled, but I noticed myself chuckling from a "poor robots" standpoint, and the next thing I remembered was that I also run for the bus sometimes. I had again allowed myself to judge and opinionate… like a good little robot.

I can't thoroughly remember it, but I know that it's there: the instance, where my mother told me not to talk to strangers. I grew up in a very interesting position. I was told that if I got lost, I was not to talk to strangers, but find a policeman and he'd help me get home. First of all, a policeman is a stranger, but I had to accept him as a more trustworthy stranger than others. Secondly, most any stranger would have done the same thing a policeman would, but just to be sure of those rare cases of child abuse… let's scare the child into thinking that all strangers, except policemen, are evil. So policemen are good, but if I misbehave, they will take me to prison.

How is a child supposed to stay sane in this world? It's not. It's expected to grow up into an insane adult, one that fears other people and is therefore easily controllable.

The fear of people brings along the fear of talking to people, and the fear of being seen a certain way. This renders one limited to one's true potential in bringing about a necessary change. When 6 bio people are in this mindset… we're screwed in separation.

I had realized some time ago that, in order to bring about a change, people need to start talking. But how do we talk, if we by default turn our backs to "strangers", to not have to deal with their presence?

In my experiment I found that young people are much easier to talk to than rigid grownups. I myself have no problems talking to people, once they show interest in talking to me, but approaching them is a little harder.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear talking to strangers.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear approaching strangers.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be afraid that I'll be seen as a weirdo, if I initiate conversations with strangers.

Strangers are the key. Strangers are the ones that are actual tabulae rasae. They are without opinions, and if approached correctly, can be given the knowledge. The analogy of the movie Lawnmower man comes to mind. One who is ignorant enough to be able to take in massive amounts of knowledge beyond belief without questioning any part of it.

I just realized that wanting to be seen a certain way implies wanting something in return in the future… be it friendship, support, money, attention, sex, time… which is not giving unconditionally.

In order for me to do this, I have to start giving unconditionally, to anyone and everyone. There is no other way out of it. That means printing up a bunch of papers with a short text and Desteni links. It's the only way.

who the fuck am I?

I have been participating with Desteni, and then again I have not. I have held onto an idea of myself for too long, justifying it with a perceived inability to participate correctly. My mind would come up with many bullshit excuses like "I can't write to myself" and "If I write to anyone else, I'm deceptive, because I will try and uphold an image of myself"… although that point may be valid, it still shouldn't have held me back from participating for so long, because… I'm late. I'm so fucking late that it hurts.

Sunette mentioned fear of people in the support vid on self-forgiveness. I had recognized myself in a lot of points she mentioned. I will vlog and blog more on the point, but I first have to start exposing the idea that I have of myself.

A year ago Bernard told me that, due to my design, I have more power and influence over others. I felt special and all tingly and happy, although I was aware that it's a fuckup, and I started forgiving on the obvious thoughts immediately.

I mentioned a problem of mine in the highly stupid email that I had sent him back then: I always seem to know what is going on inside others, yet due to their self-deceptions are unable to expose it. He didn't really help, when he replied: "As you said, you know everything." I immediately went into delusions that I can see more than others, which is in fact not true. Everyone can see everything. It's only a delusion on a mass scale that prevents it from being actually exposed. I think he said that to keep me here, and in thinking that (instead of just being here) I am again a delusional fuckup.

I have to expose this, although as I read it, I can see how I fuck with myself extensively.

I was still hiding. I was hiding behind an idea and belief of myself to such an extent, that I hadn't updated my facebook profile with pictures of my baldness, which indicates the wish for sexual manipulation with those deceptive pictures of myself "pretty".

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide behind pictures that show an unreal image of myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to continue to manipulate with sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to lie to people about my true appearance.

I have in fact been leading a double life. That ends here. I am a fuckup, and I'm embracing myself. No more hiding, no more lying to myself and others.

Recently my roommate called me out on that specific point, and I added the pictures to my facebook, and changed my profile picture to a laughing baldie.

It's interesting how I hide behind smiling, to hide my apparent ugliness.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see myself as ugly. It's a point I had not wrote about publicly yet, but I do know some of it's origins. My father had been nasty to me on the point, and I wanted to have revenge on all men for seeing me the way they do ever since.

I remember being about 10 yrs old. I was playing around with make up and girly stuff, and he slapped me, because he didn't want me to turn into my mother. In that he created a long lasting denial of my own sexuality and hiding the wish to be pretty. I was fat anyway, and I felt like I did not deserve to be pretty anyway, because all the pretty girls are thin. I grew up quite baffled about how come so many girls are thin and pretty, while I am struggling with weight. Why can some be happy by default, while others are miserable by default? This existence never made much sense.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that I am undeserving of being pretty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be pretty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to create the need to be pretty by comparing to other girls.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compare myself to other girls.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to equate being thin with being pretty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that pretty exists.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that ugly exists.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am ugly.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to create the belief that I am ugly from comparing with other girls.

In my process I have fallen a few times, rendering self-forgiveness useless with some points, where I actually have to physically change my living in order to push through it. I have made it harder for myself, but I'm willing to face it. There is no other way out, I've known that since the beginning.

I have allowed myself to stagnate in fear of stopping living the way I do. I am actually afraid of loosing all connections to this life I know and the people in it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear loosing my life as I know it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear loosing myself as I know myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think/believe that I know myself.

more later

revisiting friendships

The holidays were interesting. I managed to wreak havoc on the whole little community of 4 in the apartment I live in, myself included. I managed to develop feelings for my roommate, which came to me as a huge surprise. I realised that I still struggle with fear for the future and of not having stability.

It's been an interesting journey of rediscovering my sexual preferences. Six months ago I moved in here, and my roommate (a girl with a boyfriend) has been having occasional fallouts in which she'd claim that she's sick of men, and that she's thinking of getting a girlfriend. My mind immediately latched on to the idea, and started hinting towards what it would be like. As time passed, the feeling got stronger, because I had been forgiving more pending points with regards to her, such as jealousy and comparison. While I was forgiving the nasty points, I managed to create multiple mind dimensions of how great it would be to be in an agreement with her, because she's so perceptive and understands Process stuff. I also created a few more, in which I wanted to beat the shit out of her boyfriend, because he's an evil shit, who's squeezing the life out of her with his delusion of love.

I've had a great "moral" dilemma… When we came home on new year's morning, he wouldn't let her sleep. He was insulted, and he completely demolished her room, and took both of our doors off their hooks, so we couldn't close them. She tried sleeping in my bed, but he would periodically go and uncover her and try to get her out of bed. When she'd get up, he wouldn't speak to her. Or me.

I was boiling inside during that whole show. The only reaction I allowed myself was: "I cannot support or ignore such behaviour." But I allowed it to happen a few more times, and I did not stop him. I didn't want to get into a physical confrontation, because I didn't want to hurt her with butting into her relationship, and because I was afraid of fighting him as well.

After doing self-forgiveness I realised that I should have stood up, peacefully and calmly, but firmly. I could have created a different time-line.

The next day I had her all to myself. We had fun, took a walk, we laughed, we talked, we clicked. Then we got into an emotional fight, and she called me out on my feelings. I folded. I started crying. That was the first time I had cried "for real" in months. I first wanted to hide it, but I saw a triumphant feeling coming up in her. She hinted in an evil tone that the feelings are not mutual. So I showed her the tears, and she lay off. She made us some soup, and we agreed that I'd send her an email. Then her boyfriend showed up. The notions of hatred, resentment, jealousy and spite came up, which I forgave, but I still had the nagging feeling of wanting to kick his teeth in. I found myself wanting him to give me an excuse to do it.

Around the same time Bernard started supporting us on the friendship point. He told us to revisit the point, because we're in fact supporting evil. Friends lie together.

I have, in fact, tried to support this guy, so he would be more satisfied with his own life, and stop sucking it out of her… but to no avail. Lesson learned. If one is not willing to change oneself, one will not be changed by anything or anyone. I tried to help him get a job - he overslept the interview.

I tried being his friend, and he kept stabbing me in the back. I supported evil. I suppose that was also one of the reasons I wanted to kick his teeth in. I was angry with myself for supporting him for so long.

I was having thoughts and plots of getting rid of him. My roommate and I already agreed that I'd have to get out of this flat some day, so that already fired back at me.

I had sent her two quite emotionally charged emails that night, and afterwards I consulted some tarot. It clearly indicated my failure, and I panicked. I wrote her another email in which I asked her to not read the first two, but delete them. I knew it was a fool's wish, because she had read them, but she's kind enough to not make fun of someone else's feelings, while they're there.

As I write this, I see how highly selfish and self-involved it is. It's so fucking easy to loose sight of the big picture, and it's so easy to make a delusion about seeing the big picture.

I've had another sit down with my roommate right now. I wanted to talk to her, and she got very defensive. She said that I have to leave on the 10^th of March, and I have no say in it. I felt a slight stab to my stomach. I felt scared, hurt, defeated, unappreciated and disempowered. I couldn't believe that she'd do that to me. I perceived her as totally possessed by evil, and there was nothing I could do about it. The energetics released themselves all over my muscles. I felt physically weakened.

She went on with the evil, and tried manipulating me again with "I know your true feelings", but due to applied self-forgiveness she did not cause the same effect as before. She did not make me cry. I called her bluff, and asked her what she's talking about, and this time she folded. I explained to her that I already "deleted that film", and agreed to move out and stay friends. She added that in the end she might move in with me.

wanting to be famous

I wanted to be famous because my parents didn't give me enough attention, and I started craving attention from anyone and everyone.

It started when I was a child, and I was dreaming of being a model. I knew back then even that I will never be tall enough to be one, because my parents were quite short as well, but I dreamed about it, and adored and admired beautiful models.

Around the age of 12-13 my mother discovered that I can sing very well, and I had to sing the Little Mermaid song to her all the time, when we were in good relations.

I remembered now how my father once said that "it's too bad that Hilda never went into showmanship with her singing", and I remember being angry when my mother told me that. If he had told me that himself, I would have pushed myself to become a singer, as I've pushed myself to become a scientist, to fulfill his dream.

When I was little, my parents used to hang with the famous local people, and some not so local as well. I was used to semi-famous semi-rich company of my parents and relatives - my grandfather is a "famous Slovenian" director, and my aunt is a rich art dealer, who hangs with famous people. When I started going out to parties, I met a girl who introduced me to the concept of backstage. I was her protector against unwanted men, and she always had free access to the backstage, which automatically gave me free access to the backstage. I got used to it, and later I would invade the backstage even without that girl, because I considered it my god-given right to be there, and I would always provoke the artists in terms of intelligence, to prove that they, although they are famous, are not better than me. I felt inferior to them, and I had to compensate with my intellectual superiority.

Around the age of 21, I discovered that I could make music myself with a program, which would lead me to be famous, but I was too scared to do it, because I was fat, and fat people have no business being famous. I'll loose my weight first.

That was my main point in life - I started putting off everything into the future, when I will be able to do stuff, when I'm not fat anymore.

I inhibited myself all my life, because I was saving all the "good experiences" in life to do them, when I am thin.

I never dared to do anything that included exposing myself, because I was fat. I wanted to be invisible and at the same time I wanted to be thin and loved. The idea of fame festered in me, I was suppressing it and it came up again.

I have done many a forgiveness on this point of fame, but I totally missed the connection to being fat:

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to put stuff off into the future, because I am fat.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that only thin people can be famous.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hate myself because I am fat.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be famous, to get back at people who have hurt me.

That was another huge point for me - I wanted to get back at all the men, who have ever dared to leave me, by becoming famous. As soon as I get the attention of the crowd, they will automatically want me back, because they'll want a part of that attention. It has been going on since I was 17, when my first love rejection happened.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be famous, so I could get back at the people who were denying me their love and attention.

random sf

I have been experiencing resistances towards writing, I just finished vacuuming my room, so I wouldn't have to sit down and write.

Yesterday was a falling day. I have smoked pot again, after two weeks of not smoking, so I have to restart that again. Forgiveness here is useless, it takes physical stopping, and I did not do that, or rather, I did not continue doing that.

It was great for a while, I was so proud of myself for not smoking for so long - the first few days were terrible, I was thinking about smoking and I was breathing through those thoughts, and after the first few days it was easier. It didn't cross my mind that much anymore, and I was satisfied. But then my friend came to visit, and she "returned" some weed for two joints, not knowing that I had committed to stopping. First I said I wouldn't smoke it, but in the next moment I changed my mind. I smoked, and felt really bad afterwards. I also woke up with huge circles under my eyes in the morning, and feeling very very angry at myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be angry at myself for falling on the smoking pot point. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that by being angry at myself I am actually running away from facing myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to run away from reality with pot. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to run away from my responsibility with pot.

I had already applied sf on these points, which brings me back to the fact that here sf is useless.

I had been running away from myself in terms of following the Desteni Slovenia drama, rather than focussing on my own writing and application.

Another point that is quite relevant today is me running away from myself in terms of putting off my responsibilities in the future.

It began when I was a teenager, and I was an overachiever at school just by being so smart. But when I was 12, we moved to Slovenia, and all of a sudden I had to study to have the same results as before. That was grade 6, and I was not as successful as in the previous grades due to a new language and severe problems with a drinking emotional mom. I finished the 6th grade with a 4,0 average instead of the 5 that I was used to. I remember that I swore to myself that I would make a better effort in the next grade, but it never came to that, because in the light of my problems at home, studying for better grades seemed as impossible as it seemed arbitrary. Not relevant. My home was falling apart, and I could not really concentrate on studying. Proving myself at school was less important than fixing my home.

I forgive myself that I wanted to prove myself at school as better and smarter than my schoolmates. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to appear smarter than anyone else.

It is a point that I have been noticing with my new flatmate - she knows everything "best", and I've been noticing how she uses her persuasive tone of voice when she sells half-baked knowledge, to be superior to me. I used to do that a very long time ago, until I realised what I was doing, and afterwards I only used knowledge that was 100% checkable and which I was sure of within myself.

It bothers me, when she does that. I do not act on it, but I definitely react to it in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be bothered by Erna's wanting to appear superior in knowledge. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that in that I am bothered, because I have a definition of myself as being smarter than her. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compare myself to Erna in terms of "being smart". I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to appear smarter than Erna.

going to do a mind construct now.

Yesterday I took my mom to the hospital

My sister and I went out looking for our mom, and found her - at my home.

The most prominent energetic experience was one of being angry at my sister for abandoning me, when I needed her the most (which was about 6 months ago), and her not wanting to understand why I found myself in the sorry state that I was in. It was the thread that kept reoccurring throughout the whole experience yesterday.

When we saw mom, I was being all calm and I wasn't reacting to her crazy behaviour. I didn't let it affect me in any way, until I saw my sister being affected.

It started gradually - I noticed my sister react with anger and worrying towards my mother, and at first I was calming her and telling her to not react. That went on for a while, and then I noticed myself becoming bad mooded. Afterwards I realised that I allowed that within myself because I saw my sister allowing it to herself, so I - slowly, but surely - started allowing it within myself as well.

I became bad mooded, and I went to wash the dishes for two reasons: to calm myself down - physical work helps me with being here and breathing, focusing on what I'm doing. The second reason was that the kitchen was messy, and somehow I didn't want my sister, who was visiting for the first time, to get the impression that I live in a messy household. I realised right now that I was trying to appear better than her, because cleanliness was never one of her strong points, and with that I was compensating for the points where I feel inferior to her. The major point of inferiority is the fact that she graduated from law school, and now she is taking on the study of agronomy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel inferior to my sister because she has a better education than me. - I yawned right now, and I lost it. I'll timeloop a bit.

As we went on through time, I started lashing out at my sister that I had to deal with this sort of shit all my childhood, and as the eldest couldn't focus on school as much as she could, because I was on the "front line", therefore I grew up as "more lost", and how come she can't understand that. She asked me not to talk about that now, and I went into silent protest. I was answering my mother's questions with a dull yes each time she would ask me some ridiculous thing or other, giving off the "I am not satisfied, because you don't understand me" vibe to my sister.

As a child I would take on the role of the family caretaker, because my parents were irresponsible drunks.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take on the role of the family caretaker, and in that feel superior to my siblings. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I was trying to ensure my own survival/happiness by taking care/cleaning our home.

It came from my grandmother. She always had a clean home, and I was always safe with her, because she was not a drunk. She was stable. I was trying to translate that stability to our own home, and in my childhood naivete I thought that if our home was clean, it'd have the stability of my grandmothers home. So I stayed up at night, when my parents were passed out, but safely at home, and cleaned the house, hoping that in the morning the day would be good, because it would start in a clean home.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to connect stability with cleanliness.

I am yawning terribly. To be continued in the morning.

facing my fear of my mother dying

I had an interesting experience today. My mother is a psychiatric patient - every now and then she gets off her meds, and becomes crazy, because her levels of dopamine skyrocket and she starts babbling unconnected stuff.

I saw her today for the first time in a month or so... she has lost a lot of weight, because the high dopamine levels are preventing her from being hungry. My sister noticed that something is wrong, but all she did was tell my half-crazy mom to take her meds, knowing fully well that she wouldn't do that, and didn't bother with anything else.

My opinion of that was that she is selfish. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to label my sister as selfish.

I went to her, and saw her in her wretched state. It was heartbreaking, to say the least. I didn't react much, because I had done a lot of self-forgiveness on the mother point, but there was still an uneasy feeling in me. A pressure, a resistance.

I gave her some meds, which she took as soon as I asked her nicely to do it for me. I felt sorry for her, because she needs someone to direct her in her life, and she doesn't have anyone who would be willing to do so, so she hid herself in her own deluded world. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel sorry for my mother. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to pity her for the fuckup that she created for herself.

She hadn't slept in 3 days, and she was behaving like people on amphetamine psychosis, so when the medicine I gave her started to kick in, she became sleepy and asked me, and my friend who drove me there, to leave. We left shortly afterwards, and I was a bit calmer, but there was still a sort of annoyance in me, which I could not completely define.

When I came back home, I relaxed a bit, breathed a lot, and started doing physical cleaning up - it helps me with being here. All of a sudden it came to me, what the nagging feeling was - I was fearing my mother dying. It's something that has haunted me since childhood, but somehow I missed it, and it came up this time.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear my mother dying. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that now I am responsible for myself, and there is no need for my mother to keep living for me. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want my mother to live for me. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that my mother has to live her life for herself, and not me. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want my mother to do my bidding - I have not done so in quite a while, but the self-forgiveness did come up, so I hadn't dealt with this point entirely.

I have no wishes for my mother to live for me anymore. I have no need for my mother to help me or fix stuff for me in any way. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that she needs me to take care of her.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have a feeling that my mother needs me to take care of her, when in fact she doesn't, and has survived on her own until now. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take the responsibility for my mother's life onto myself. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that by doing so, I am trying to have an indirect control over my own life and safety.

This feeling that she needs me to take care of her comes from the times when I was a teenager, and I took care of her, when she would come home drunk and pass out on the sofa. I was satisfied that she passed out, because then I had control over where she was and that she wasn't hurting herself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to direct my mother, so I would have control over my own safety, which she represented.

I would cook for her, so she would have something warm to eat, when she woke from the drunk sleep, because she was always very hungry when she'd wake up. The feeling I had while doing so was one of responsibility and love for my mother, which was essentially fear of being left alone, if mother died.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to mask the fear of ending up alone, if mother died, as love for my mother. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I was masking that fear as love.

I feared my mother's death for a long long time - 30 years, to be exact. It went from being very intense when I was a child, around 7-8 years old, when I remember it being the most intense, to a slight nagging feeling a few hours ago, when I spotted it.

It is terrible how children in this world have to start abusing themselves and masking fear as love, and it is all connected with money and survival. Till here, no further.