memories of "love"

When I was little, I used to tell my mom that I love her when I was trying to avoid being punished for something. She would come at me all aggressive and angry, and I was in total fear of corporal punishment, therefore I tried manipulating her into not hitting me by telling her that I love her. It usually didn't work, I'd get punished anyway. I tried the same thing with my father, but with him it worked even less.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my parents/people with love and tell them that I love them in order to prevent them hurting me physically/emotionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my family/people with love and tell them that I love them in order to secure their kindness towards me in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate love with kindness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to love certain people in order to get other people, who are connected to them, to like and love me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and manipulate certain men/people into liking/loving me by pretending to like/love people and things that are close to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to persuade myself that I love someone, whom I perceived to be eligible to take care of me monetarily.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that my love is conditioned with the amount of safety that I am perceiving that person being able to give me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for safety with other people, and mask it as love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that parental love exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for my parents to love me, because that would ensure my survival in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate love with survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive love as something that will keep me safe in this world from the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will never experience real love according to the definition I have conjured up in my head, instead of realising how that definition is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the power of love and wish for it to exist in spite of clear evidence of the contrary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive love as this unexplainable force that makes everything move, despite the clear evidence of it's non-existence in various forms of violence in this world.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise and understand that love is the energetic prison of the mind in which I am preoccupied and busy with my little world - chasing love, not even knowing that I am a prisoner of myself, deaf to the cries of agony and abuse of the real world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprison myself within the idea of romantic love with that special someone, despite being aware that all people I have known had several special someones, and I was expecting the same thing for myself in this life, so how can a special someone exist, if there are always more of them?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I will never find that special someone for myself, instead of realising and understanding love and trusting myself that my observations of love do not match the general accepted belief about it, thus understanding and realising that the special someone does not exist.

My mother used to tell me that there is someone out there for everyone. I was being all sad, when I was a teen, because I hadn't experienced romantic love yet, and she said that the special someone is already walking this earth, oblivious that he is the special someone for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope and search for that special someone to give me romantic love and make me feel better about myself and complete, instead of realising that I am already complete, there are no physical parts missing from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that one can be complete only in a romantic relationship with someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that love is the most beautiful thing on earth and that I should spend all my life trying to achieve it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it the centre point of my existence to experience love and fulfil my mission of getting love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate gentleness, kindness, touching and sex with love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the urge to love someone else and show them love, and believe that that is the only time when my love is valid - through giving it to someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must be loved by another, and until I am, I have no worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate myself and give myself worth according to other people telling me that they love me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell other people that I love them in order for them to feel validated and like me in turn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from love by believing that it should come from outside from another person, and in order for that to come, I must look my best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must look like societies definitions of beauty in order to experience love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as inadequate-looking in order to be able to experience the perfect love that I perceived thin people to be experiencing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sad and angry about my looks, because I perceived that I wouldn't be able to experience love because I don't look like society's norm demands.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that only pretty and thin people get to experience love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to experience love due to my looks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as unhappy due to my looks, because of my belief that if I am not pretty/thin enough, I will not get to experience love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate love with sexual attraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not sexually attractive enough due to my weight in order to be able to experience love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself in terms of starving myself in order to achieve my illusion of love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself and my body in order to be able to experience love, without realising that conditional love is no love at all, but merely survival in the context of assuring myself sex and safety with another person in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that when I am sexually attracted to someone, I am in love with them, instead of realising that love that is based on and conditioned by physical appearance is not real love in equality, but a system of survival that keeps the human enslaved in the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am in love with a person who fits my accepted visual and societal definitions of a partner who is eligible to be the father of my potential children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pick and choose men to "fall in love with" according to my own definitions and perceptions of a perfect male for me.

When I was 12, I could choose and control whom I "fall in love with". Later that disappeared, as I started believing that one cannot have control over whom one "falls in love with".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I cannot control whom I fall in love with, despite my clear experience of me being able to do so as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the game of competing with other women in terms of looks and getting love, appreciation and attention from males.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to thin women and perceive myself as unable to participate equally within the energetic game of comparison and competition, and therefore fear that I will never be able to experience real love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be able to participate within the energetic game of comparison and competition with other women in terms of looks and getting love from males.

When and as I see myself comparing/competing with other women in terms of looks, I stop, I breathe, I investigate the point, I release it with self-forgiveness, and I direct myself within common sense towards what is best for all.