memories of "love"

When I was little, I used to tell my mom that I love her when I was trying to avoid being punished for something. She would come at me all aggressive and angry, and I was in total fear of corporal punishment, therefore I tried manipulating her into not hitting me by telling her that I love her. It usually didn't work, I'd get punished anyway. I tried the same thing with my father, but with him it worked even less.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my parents/people with love and tell them that I love them in order to prevent them hurting me physically/emotionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my family/people with love and tell them that I love them in order to secure their kindness towards me in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate love with kindness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to love certain people in order to get other people, who are connected to them, to like and love me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and manipulate certain men/people into liking/loving me by pretending to like/love people and things that are close to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to persuade myself that I love someone, whom I perceived to be eligible to take care of me monetarily.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that my love is conditioned with the amount of safety that I am perceiving that person being able to give me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for safety with other people, and mask it as love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that parental love exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for my parents to love me, because that would ensure my survival in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate love with survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive love as something that will keep me safe in this world from the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will never experience real love according to the definition I have conjured up in my head, instead of realising how that definition is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the power of love and wish for it to exist in spite of clear evidence of the contrary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive love as this unexplainable force that makes everything move, despite the clear evidence of it's non-existence in various forms of violence in this world.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise and understand that love is the energetic prison of the mind in which I am preoccupied and busy with my little world - chasing love, not even knowing that I am a prisoner of myself, deaf to the cries of agony and abuse of the real world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprison myself within the idea of romantic love with that special someone, despite being aware that all people I have known had several special someones, and I was expecting the same thing for myself in this life, so how can a special someone exist, if there are always more of them?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I will never find that special someone for myself, instead of realising and understanding love and trusting myself that my observations of love do not match the general accepted belief about it, thus understanding and realising that the special someone does not exist.

My mother used to tell me that there is someone out there for everyone. I was being all sad, when I was a teen, because I hadn't experienced romantic love yet, and she said that the special someone is already walking this earth, oblivious that he is the special someone for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope and search for that special someone to give me romantic love and make me feel better about myself and complete, instead of realising that I am already complete, there are no physical parts missing from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that one can be complete only in a romantic relationship with someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that love is the most beautiful thing on earth and that I should spend all my life trying to achieve it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it the centre point of my existence to experience love and fulfil my mission of getting love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate gentleness, kindness, touching and sex with love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the urge to love someone else and show them love, and believe that that is the only time when my love is valid - through giving it to someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must be loved by another, and until I am, I have no worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate myself and give myself worth according to other people telling me that they love me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell other people that I love them in order for them to feel validated and like me in turn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from love by believing that it should come from outside from another person, and in order for that to come, I must look my best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must look like societies definitions of beauty in order to experience love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as inadequate-looking in order to be able to experience the perfect love that I perceived thin people to be experiencing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sad and angry about my looks, because I perceived that I wouldn't be able to experience love because I don't look like society's norm demands.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that only pretty and thin people get to experience love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to experience love due to my looks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as unhappy due to my looks, because of my belief that if I am not pretty/thin enough, I will not get to experience love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate love with sexual attraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not sexually attractive enough due to my weight in order to be able to experience love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself in terms of starving myself in order to achieve my illusion of love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself and my body in order to be able to experience love, without realising that conditional love is no love at all, but merely survival in the context of assuring myself sex and safety with another person in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that when I am sexually attracted to someone, I am in love with them, instead of realising that love that is based on and conditioned by physical appearance is not real love in equality, but a system of survival that keeps the human enslaved in the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am in love with a person who fits my accepted visual and societal definitions of a partner who is eligible to be the father of my potential children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pick and choose men to "fall in love with" according to my own definitions and perceptions of a perfect male for me.

When I was 12, I could choose and control whom I "fall in love with". Later that disappeared, as I started believing that one cannot have control over whom one "falls in love with".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I cannot control whom I fall in love with, despite my clear experience of me being able to do so as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the game of competing with other women in terms of looks and getting love, appreciation and attention from males.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to thin women and perceive myself as unable to participate equally within the energetic game of comparison and competition, and therefore fear that I will never be able to experience real love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be able to participate within the energetic game of comparison and competition with other women in terms of looks and getting love from males.

When and as I see myself comparing/competing with other women in terms of looks, I stop, I breathe, I investigate the point, I release it with self-forgiveness, and I direct myself within common sense towards what is best for all.

releasing love

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as spiteful, resentful and angry towards the idea of love, because I never considered myself able or capable of achieving what I considered to be perfect love.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive perfect love as a relationship that remains the same at the end as it was in the beginning, instead of realising and understanding from the physical evidence that I have observed in this world, that such love does not exist.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase the experience of love, which I have conjured up in my head.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the ideas of love that I have conjured up in my head.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed and sad, because I perceived that I wasn't able to achieve the perfect love that I have conjured up in my head.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel incredulous, angry and annoyed, whenever I see people not wanting to understand love like I do, and rather cling on to their illusion and definition of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of the fact that I was chasing love and wasn't seeing the reality and actuality of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for having chased the illusion of love instead of realising myself and the self-love I have to give myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that love exists, so that I wouldn't have to take care of myself in absolute self-honesty, but could hide behind that someone I "love" to take care of me and nurture me, instead of me doing it myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to love my partners, instead of realising and understanding that I am hiding existential fear behind the feeling of love.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become codependent with my "love" partner, and abdicate my self-responsibility to the notion and idea of love, which should be enforced with gestures and touches.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself from myself in relationships with other people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for my partner to be responsible for me and my emotional well being and monetary status in this world, instead of realising the fuckup of love and taking full responsibility towards myself as this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to demand from my partner to make me feel better about myself, because I experienced myself as unable to give to myself what my partner is able to give to me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that in making my partner responsible for my emotional and monetary well being, I am absolutely abdicating my self-responsibility and power to my partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate myself and give myself worth according to the feedback of my partner to my emotional demands, which were made in absolute abdication of self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of not being in an emotional relationship and having to take full responsibility for myself in emotional and monetary terms.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed about the situation with the illusion of love in the world, instead of realising that the annoyance is coming from a thought pattern that I have yet to untangle.
When and as I see myself becoming emotional/having a reaction towards the idea and illusion of love in this world, I stop, I breathe. I do not allow myself to go into reaction. Instead I look at the point in self-honesty, release it with self-forgiveness and direct myself in common sense towards what is best for all.

definitions of love

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mask my fear of being alone, fear of not having sex and fear of not having security in the future as love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the illusion of love in spite of clear evidence that love does not exist in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive love as an individual experience that one should strive towards getting according to the definitions of love I have picked up from the social media.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/validate/confirm love with the physical sexual urges that I have experienced within my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a conglomerate of ideas about love in my head, and with them validate and confirm the existence of love in this world, despite the evidence of its absence  in forms of wars, rapes, violence and general dissociation of the global community towards such atrocities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my sexual urges towards males as "infatuation", which "comes before actual love".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that infatuation, which is caused by hormones and neurotransmitters in my body, leads to "love", once those hormones stop working, instead of realising that I am putting a nicely ringing name to co-dependence and fear of the future/not having sex/not having security.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define love as something beautiful that just happens to two beings, instead of realising and seeing the preprogramming that exists within the patterns by which I play out my love constructs.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise the fuckup of love in the moment when I asked myself whether love is really supposed to be this hard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define love as something that one must work hard for in order to maintain it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that if I keep my sexual life interesting, that the love will never die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate/connect love with sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in love, despite the evidence of it being able to die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to marry my partner in order for us to promise each other undying love and label it as romantic, instead of realising that if love existed, no promising would actually have to be made.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that the male makes a decision on which female he is going to marry, and then he must ask her with a ring, and the female must wait for a suitable male to ask for her hand in matrimony.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for a male to romantically ask me to marry him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive marriage as romantic, instead of realising it for the economic-emotional structure that it really is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that a couple who is married must be in love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that love is the answer to all global and personal problems, instead of realising that love does not exist.

Desteni Process is the ultimate solution to conflict

Today I flipped out, because I couldn't bear to watch my agreement partner energetically woe another woman. We had a picnic together and he was busy with her all the time, and I felt awesomely betrayed, because he hadn't even asked me how I was doing. He saw that I had problems with what he's doing, therefore he was probably afraid to even approach me.

At the picnic all I could do was stare at the fire and do self forgiveness in my head and breathe and bring myself back here all the time, but in that I was also suppressing a world of self-judgement, which I have yet to fully write out.

The girl went home with us, slept over, and left in the morning before we woke up. Later in the day my partner asked me whether I would want to go to her place to hang and sleep over. I knew this was going to happen, and I went to write out my reactions beforehand, but I still failed to keep my cool when I was approached with the question.

I got angry at him for not wanting to write his desires out, but there was another Destonian in the room, and we managed to cool things down. And so we left for that place. I took my computer with me, to be able to immediately write out my reactions to my partners interaction with that girl, but when we got there, nothing happened, because she was not there. I had a bit of spiteful backchat, but I stopped it, and we went to sleep.

The next morning he woke me up in such a nice way, that I could not be angry, which is kind of a miracle, because I was always an absolute anti-morning person. My family members used to avoid me in the mornings in fear of having their heads bitten off - a consequence of long-lasting anger at having to get up in the morning and go out into this shitty world to school, and later to work. Usually all my anger gushes up in the mornings, and sometimes it's still hard to deal with it.

So everything was fine, until we started skyping each other during work. One question lead to another, and before I knew it, I was possessed by anger again. I was blaming him for not wanting to write out his desires, and he was blaming me for my reactions. In the end I told him that I will pay rent only after he writes out his desires. "But that's blackmail!" -"Yeah, deal with it."

But when he got home, we both started writing, we went for a walk, we talked, and later we did self forgiveness together on skype, which is awesomely effective. The conflict died. In my relationships this kind of situation would have lead to disaster. The contrast between agreements and relationships is quite profound.

My partner and I have been walking process together for about 4 months, and in that time we have overcome many differences, which would have made my previous relationships crumble like a house of cards. I'm eternally grateful that Desteni exists.