Relationships

Since the beginning of process I've been basically ending up alone. That's what process primarily was for me - my world falling apart and me helping it along, while learning to stand up within it all. I've done all of that alone, and I've developed a certain amount of assertiveness, but I've also been deluding myself that I have changed dramatically. Yes, I have changed a lot, to the point that my family and friends have recognized big changes in me, but in the face of a self-willed equal, my experience is the same as it always was. That is to say that I still go "ROAR", whenever I encounter something that I do not like, and I want to overpower, only now I cannot blame it on my mind, nor do I want to, because mind is part of me.

Up to this point I somehow managed to get everything done the way I wanted it, and when I couldn't, I dealt with it with ease within myself, but now things are very different, because a self-willed equal can stand through manipulation points, where other people can't. Previously I had no expectations of people within my world, because I knew more or less that they wouldn't really hear, because they're not self-willed. So I did my thing and learned to rather enjoy myself alone, to the point where I prefer it over people's company. Because when I have company, I only go on and on about equality and the world in general, and I get rather bored with personal trivia if it's not shared in support, and I don't allow much of what I've allowed previously, so people who want to push what I don't allow within myself simply remove themselves, and that's it. No harm done.

But now I came to a point, where I'm a wee bit lost, because all my perceptions and expectations have nullified themselves, and I'm in uncharted territory. Walking with a processee is turning out to be more difficult than walking alone, which is just another proof that I have to stick to this, because difficult is where the actual change is at. I'm pushing through two sets of resistances now, and sometimes I explode a little. Today I was actually threatening to leave. That will not happen, I will stick to this if it kills me.

There is a certain amount of holy anger in me. I take responsibility to point out the fuckedness of the situation and expose the things I have walked and know. That's what I mean by pushing through two sets of resistances. We're allone in the end.

A funny point I have been experiencing lately is aloneness. The funny part is that I do not experience it when I am actually alone. I experience it within the relationship construct I have obviously built up with this person, because when he's home, I feel alone. I feel like there's a big wall, where there should be fluent communication, which means that I have fucked myself over nicely with them expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to threaten people with leaving, if they don't do as I say/ask.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as superior to people, whenever I threatened them with leaving, if they don't do as I say/ask.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of people leaving if I don't do as they say/ask.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as inferior, whenever I was afraid of people leaving, if I don't do as they say/ask.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear/inferiority, whenever I didn't want to do something that other people asked of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the experience of holy anger, supported within my mind with arguments of equality, which I have not yet reached.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utter the word equality without being aware of my breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for another's process, when I have not dealt with my own yet.

Jealousy

Today I realised the point that has been haunting me for two days now. I was absolutely jealous of my friend, who hasn't written out sex to an extent where it can be self-directed, and is therefore still having energetic mind relationships, which he's trying to establish in the physical. I have tried warning him that the physical will be relentless, if he doesn't let go. I was speaking from personal experience, because I've been there. There is fuckedness beyond belief when going against equality and common sense in pursuing energetic sex, that much is true. However, I didn't notice that I am simply terribly jealous of him, because I do not allow myself this kind of behaviour anymore. I went into a sort of 'how dare you still pursue this when even I have come to terms with it' behaviour. 'There's a whole planet suffering, we don't have time for this shit.' My mind is terribly good at manipulating itself, and looking for a back door, through which I could fall again.

The point that is bothering me, in essence, is touch (not necessarily in a sexual way). I've been busy with touch for a while, and I have all sorts of mind definitions and pictures of how nice it feels, so those have got to go. I am missing touch, because I am so separated from myself, that me touching me doesn't do the trick.

Agreement with myself

Today I had an indiscretion, in which I interfered with the process of other beings. This point has been haunting me since forever and it stops here.

I was basically watching an energetic pattern between two beings play out, and since I am indirectly involved, I decided to expose it mainly due to my own selfishness. I was impatient, and wasn't willing to wait for the pattern to play out on its own, since I have limited time. I was reacting heavily inside, because I knew that I'm dealing with this the wrong way instead of writing it out. The consequence of it is that now one of the participants hates me, and the other one ain't too happy 'bout the situation either. There was a certain unwillingness to face self, and for a moment it made me worried about this whole endeavour that we're undertaking together, therefore I shared a story about me facing myself within my agreement with myself, which is worth sharing here as well:

Last year I had a relationship with a guy in hopes that he will eventually hear desteni and we can turn this into an agreement, but I was lucid enough to see right away that this will not work. I stopped all feely goody feelings and butterflies with self-forgiveness, the relationship fell apart, and I moved on. An agreement with self means that one is willing to face self even when all seems hunky dory, because there is an awareness that things are really not hunky dory on a planetary level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must push other beings to face self, instead of realising that it is always about me having to face something within myself.

I explained that I am worried about missing this opportunity to experience ourselves as ourselves instead of holding up an energetic picture of ourselves, and he exposed this as a mindfuck, which it is, because the opportunity is always there, and taken or missed only by ourselves.

all expectations must fall

I moved in with a friend in process. I had some expectations about this. I was expecting communication to be flowing easily, self-forgiveness to be done together, and I also expected to try non-energetic sex at some point. I was under the impression that walking with him, after two years of process, would be easy as one to three, only to have all of those perceptions tumble down like a house of cards. I was perceiving that there would be willingness to immediately face energetic points, which there wasn't, and suddenly I've found myself in the middle of this energetic relationship, where we're still competing, comparing and trying to win. There's a lot of awkward smiling going on, and a lot of knowledge and information is being thrown around.
At some point, before moving in together, I was approached with the question of how many masseurs I have, which is obvious code for sex, therefore the statement was energetic, and I knew this. I freaked out a little, because I didn't have any desire to have sex with this person, but I saw this as a good opportunity to face myself and push myself in terms of not having sexual desires and preferences about people. I told him that the thing is open for discussion, and I released some points with self-forgiveness, but I didn't notice how I became energetically possessed about it, when I was imagining how walking with a processee would be.
After two talks like that, I read in one of his blogs that he dislikes me now, and in that moment I thought "Classic behaviour - now that he knows that he can have sex with me, I'm not interesting anymore". I was a bit upset, because I thought that this could not be happening to him, beacuse he's been in process for so long, surely he must have written out quite some sex.
The thing I was most upset about was trust. I was under the impression (desire) that
I am able to trust a Destonian just as much as myself, but this is not the case.
I have been yearning for trusting and honest relationships forever, because I did not (and still don't) have absolute self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be able to be absolutely honest in a relationship, instead of realising that I have to be absolutely honest with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I can and must be absolutely honest with Destonians in process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be able to trust another person, instead of realising that I do not need to trust another person, if I trust myself completely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior within relationships that I perceive as mroe trusting than others, because there are more secrets being shared.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior to other people, whenever someone trusts me with a perceived secret.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to have 'special' and 'more trusting' relationships with men/certain people, which woudl lift me up above the general population, because I am getting to know things that not everyone knows.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the general population of this planet within the desire to have 'special relationships' that are more than 'regular relationships'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the general population of this planet within feeling superior for having knowledge that not everyone has.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that knowledge makes/will make me superior to other people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must be trusted by other people, otherwise I am less than.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insulted and degraded, whenever I notice someone not trusting me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel outraged whenever someone does not trust me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and less than, whenever someone does not trust me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a positive connotation to the word 'trust'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word trust within the desire to be able to trust other people as much as I trust myself, instead of realising that the desire to trust other people comes from not trusting myself, and needing moral support on my decisions and actions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself entirely with my decisions and action.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need moral support with my decisions and actions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger and disbelief whenever I encounter unwillingness to face points in self-honesty with other people, and then blame and project guilt onto them, instead of realising that I myself am creating the same unwillingness to face points within myself, and am therefore only perpetuating the global ego fuckup by reacting to other people's and my own self-dishonesty.