Consequences

Today my past came to haunt me in a spectacular way. A friend challenged me, in front of his former girlfriend, who still has feelings for him, with absolutely no regard for what she's experiencing, whether I ever wanted to have sex with him.

It was a blushing moment for me, because I had made a subtle pass, an insinuation at this person in the past, solely because at that time in my life I needed the confirmation and attention of every single male figure in my world to validate me as "desirable" and "good enough", all stemming from a deep sense of insecurity. So I blushed and said "no", because I felt awfully sorry for the girl, because I sure as hell wouldn't want something like this to be happening to me, but I saw that she was self-directive enough to not react, so I came clean and breathed through the moment, while rolling my eyes in an apologetic manner. I had made a pass at her boyfriend with no regards for other people involved in the situation, and this was not the only case when that happened. I "took over" my first boyfriend from his then girlfriend and shut off any feelings of guilt due to my own self-interest. I considered myself to be "the other woman" type, and I kind of accepted and allowed that about myself - that insatiable hunt for my own pleasures and desires, without actually regarding what I am doing to other people.

Funny thing, I wrote these self-forgivenesses just yesterday, and I was amazed at how well they worked, as I was able to stand through any and all energetic manipulations from this friend, without wanting to compromise myself for his attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to occupy men, whom I have no interest in, but still like their attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to insinuate sexual activities to men, who I have no interest in having sexual activities with, in order to get their attention and feel good about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk to other people from the starting point of validating myself through their attention, and within that compromise my expression as life within oneness and equality.

the ugly side of the mind

I've been observing lately how I manipulate myself into jealousy and desire through other people. I feed on the energy of people around me, on their attention or lack thereof. There is no me. There is only everyone else, and me wanting to be equal to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to energetically feed on people giving me attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as superior, whenever I get attention from people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependant on the energetic high of getting people's/the opposite sex's attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and become subdued to an energetic low, whenever I do not get attention from people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as unequal to people/the opposite sex, instead of realising myself as a physically equal being to all beings on earth.

Whenever I catch myself trying to overpower equal beings within my desire for attention/feeling inferior for not getting attention,- I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to need/take the right- to feed on the energetic dependence of others towards me, because I realise that this is not Life as who I am within oneness and equality.

I don't feel good in my skin. I feel like I constantly have to prove something to myself through others. I don't like myself. I need the opposite sex to like me in order for me to like myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for other people to validate me and give me worth, instead of realising that it is me who has to give myself validation and worth by stopping participating within the perceptions and beliefs that I have no worth, and even that I should have worth, because worth is a term that implies a gradient/hierarchy, which cannot exist within oneness and equality. Nothing can have worth, because everything is worth the same.

I am picky about who I want to like me. People I perceive as fat and/or ugly are out of the question. I want/need/desire what I have accepted as my own definition of beauty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and rate people according to their picture presentation, and within that completely disregard who they are as Life.

Whenever I notice myself judging/rating/grading people's appearance within my world, I stop, I breathe and I realise that I am in fact judging/rating/grading myself and valuing myself according to the energetic relationship that I have with those people. I breathe and I stop judging/rating/grading myself through grading other people.

I lie to people that looks are not that important to me, because I want to keep feeding on their energy and attention. I want them to want me, but at the same time I don't want to be with them, I simply need that fix of "being liked", therefore I will keep them dependant on me through word manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to people about my preferences in order to keep them interested in me so I can feed on my self-created energetic perception of being liked and wanted/needed.

Whenever I see someone else communicating with my target, I go crazy with jealousy and start "marking my turf" by manipulating them and myself further by touching them firmly, almost angrily, and then continue gently massaging, as to assure maximum energetic dependency on myself. I pretend to like people's hobbies and likes, and dislike their dislikes, in order to further that manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of loosing people's attention to other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I must compete for people's attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to like people's likes, and dislike their dislikes, in order to be liked by them, so that I could through them like myself, because otherwise I don't like myself.

Why don't I like myself?

Because my picture presentation, physical body and experience within this world are not as I want/need/desire them to be according to my preprogrammed mind consciousness system of thoughts, feelings and emotions. I know this, however, I still think that I can and want to achieve something, experience something more, have what I couldn't have before... within that completely disregarding the ground that I'm standing on, my own breath or the needless suffering of countless beings, which is perpetuated by that, which I am doing right now, instead of applying myself in order to get this show on the road.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie/think/believe/perceive to myself that I have no direction, and support that lie/yadayada by validating it with other people's statements about it, when in fact I do not want to direct things, because I have never directed before. I am waiting for direction to come as a result of process, instead of realising that I have to direct my self within breath in the moment according to the common sense mathematical principles of oneness and equality.

Fucking around

Lately I've been fucking around with my relationship constructs. I've been identifying point after point, and I was rather successful, but I've also been avoiding facing some points, like my weight.

I've been overweight all my life, and I experience it as this grave injustice. Why do I have to have such a metabolism, and other people can eat what they want? My weight is fucking with me in my head, and I cannot have proper interactions with people because of it.

If I want to loose weight, I have to starve, which is a wonderful point of self-sabotage. I've always perceived myself as unable to please men with my looks, until one time I starved myself to a much smaller size, and went into the opposite polarity of catching the attention of every guy I wanted and all the guys I didn't want. And even then I couldn't hold onto the one guy I wanted to be with, lol. This whole love business has been one big struggle in my life, therefore I was thrilled to learn what I've always known within myself - that it's all bullshit.

Despite the fact that I fully understand that, I still struggle with my own energies of looking for the safety that is implied within the construct of love, because I've never felt safe, having come from a pretty poor family and having virtually no material possessions within this world. I'm talking about owning my own home. If I did, I couldn't care less about who loves me and who doesn't. Pretty fucked up, since there's people in this world who are going through unbelievable physical pain because of having nothing to eat. I know the discomfort of being hungry, because I've subdued myself to it half of my life because of wanting to loose weight and looking for that safety that is implied within love. But I've never felt actual pain due to not having eaten for weeks. There's absolutely no way in my reality that I would not have been exposed to food for so long. So that is pretty fucked up, and I stop right here and now to try and loose weight, and start caring for my body regardless of its weight.

I perceived that I was always struggling, because loosing weight is "hard work". When I was watching what I was eating, or rather, didn't eat, I lost weight at snail speeds. I lived with a girl who was thin and perfect. One time we went without food for an entire weekend. At the end of that fast she weighed 3 kilograms less, and me only 0,5. I was outraged, sad, unhappy, completely despairing. "I will never be able to do this." Within that - I knew the whole time that letting go of the desire to do it is the way to go, however, I was still wanting to experience "love", which goes through sex and picture manipulation. LOL.

It stops here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to please men with my looks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to loose weight in order to please men with my looks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to starve and abuse my physical body within the desire to please men with my looks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to catch a man into the construct of love, so that I would feel safe and taken care of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate and define love with safety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pressured to loose weight and achieve the model of beauty I have defined for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my being overweight as a grave injustice that is happening to me, instead of realising it as my own personal program/drama that keeps me occupied and ineffective within this world, where people starve to death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define love as bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate "love", because I perceived myself as unable to find/create it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to find/create love with another person, instead of realising that I have to love myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body with starving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for abusing my physical body with starving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the construct of beauty within this world, and abusing my physical body by doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel spiteful towards men who participate with the beauty construct within this world and are judging me for my appearance, instead of realising that it is about me judging my appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/define my appearance as not pleasing enough when I am overweight a lot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to loose weight in order to have a pleasing appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by my appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to thin women due to my appearance.