wanting to be famous

I wanted to be famous because my parents didn't give me enough attention, and I started craving attention from anyone and everyone.

It started when I was a child, and I was dreaming of being a model. I knew back then even that I will never be tall enough to be one, because my parents were quite short as well, but I dreamed about it, and adored and admired beautiful models.

Around the age of 12-13 my mother discovered that I can sing very well, and I had to sing the Little Mermaid song to her all the time, when we were in good relations.

I remembered now how my father once said that "it's too bad that Hilda never went into showmanship with her singing", and I remember being angry when my mother told me that. If he had told me that himself, I would have pushed myself to become a singer, as I've pushed myself to become a scientist, to fulfill his dream.

When I was little, my parents used to hang with the famous local people, and some not so local as well. I was used to semi-famous semi-rich company of my parents and relatives - my grandfather is a "famous Slovenian" director, and my aunt is a rich art dealer, who hangs with famous people. When I started going out to parties, I met a girl who introduced me to the concept of backstage. I was her protector against unwanted men, and she always had free access to the backstage, which automatically gave me free access to the backstage. I got used to it, and later I would invade the backstage even without that girl, because I considered it my god-given right to be there, and I would always provoke the artists in terms of intelligence, to prove that they, although they are famous, are not better than me. I felt inferior to them, and I had to compensate with my intellectual superiority.

Around the age of 21, I discovered that I could make music myself with a program, which would lead me to be famous, but I was too scared to do it, because I was fat, and fat people have no business being famous. I'll loose my weight first.

That was my main point in life - I started putting off everything into the future, when I will be able to do stuff, when I'm not fat anymore.

I inhibited myself all my life, because I was saving all the "good experiences" in life to do them, when I am thin.

I never dared to do anything that included exposing myself, because I was fat. I wanted to be invisible and at the same time I wanted to be thin and loved. The idea of fame festered in me, I was suppressing it and it came up again.

I have done many a forgiveness on this point of fame, but I totally missed the connection to being fat:

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to put stuff off into the future, because I am fat.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that only thin people can be famous.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hate myself because I am fat.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be famous, to get back at people who have hurt me.

That was another huge point for me - I wanted to get back at all the men, who have ever dared to leave me, by becoming famous. As soon as I get the attention of the crowd, they will automatically want me back, because they'll want a part of that attention. It has been going on since I was 17, when my first love rejection happened.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be famous, so I could get back at the people who were denying me their love and attention.

random sf

I have been experiencing resistances towards writing, I just finished vacuuming my room, so I wouldn't have to sit down and write.

Yesterday was a falling day. I have smoked pot again, after two weeks of not smoking, so I have to restart that again. Forgiveness here is useless, it takes physical stopping, and I did not do that, or rather, I did not continue doing that.

It was great for a while, I was so proud of myself for not smoking for so long - the first few days were terrible, I was thinking about smoking and I was breathing through those thoughts, and after the first few days it was easier. It didn't cross my mind that much anymore, and I was satisfied. But then my friend came to visit, and she "returned" some weed for two joints, not knowing that I had committed to stopping. First I said I wouldn't smoke it, but in the next moment I changed my mind. I smoked, and felt really bad afterwards. I also woke up with huge circles under my eyes in the morning, and feeling very very angry at myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be angry at myself for falling on the smoking pot point. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that by being angry at myself I am actually running away from facing myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to run away from reality with pot. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to run away from my responsibility with pot.

I had already applied sf on these points, which brings me back to the fact that here sf is useless.

I had been running away from myself in terms of following the Desteni Slovenia drama, rather than focussing on my own writing and application.

Another point that is quite relevant today is me running away from myself in terms of putting off my responsibilities in the future.

It began when I was a teenager, and I was an overachiever at school just by being so smart. But when I was 12, we moved to Slovenia, and all of a sudden I had to study to have the same results as before. That was grade 6, and I was not as successful as in the previous grades due to a new language and severe problems with a drinking emotional mom. I finished the 6th grade with a 4,0 average instead of the 5 that I was used to. I remember that I swore to myself that I would make a better effort in the next grade, but it never came to that, because in the light of my problems at home, studying for better grades seemed as impossible as it seemed arbitrary. Not relevant. My home was falling apart, and I could not really concentrate on studying. Proving myself at school was less important than fixing my home.

I forgive myself that I wanted to prove myself at school as better and smarter than my schoolmates. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to appear smarter than anyone else.

It is a point that I have been noticing with my new flatmate - she knows everything "best", and I've been noticing how she uses her persuasive tone of voice when she sells half-baked knowledge, to be superior to me. I used to do that a very long time ago, until I realised what I was doing, and afterwards I only used knowledge that was 100% checkable and which I was sure of within myself.

It bothers me, when she does that. I do not act on it, but I definitely react to it in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be bothered by Erna's wanting to appear superior in knowledge. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that in that I am bothered, because I have a definition of myself as being smarter than her. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compare myself to Erna in terms of "being smart". I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to appear smarter than Erna.

going to do a mind construct now.

Yesterday I took my mom to the hospital

My sister and I went out looking for our mom, and found her - at my home.

The most prominent energetic experience was one of being angry at my sister for abandoning me, when I needed her the most (which was about 6 months ago), and her not wanting to understand why I found myself in the sorry state that I was in. It was the thread that kept reoccurring throughout the whole experience yesterday.

When we saw mom, I was being all calm and I wasn't reacting to her crazy behaviour. I didn't let it affect me in any way, until I saw my sister being affected.

It started gradually - I noticed my sister react with anger and worrying towards my mother, and at first I was calming her and telling her to not react. That went on for a while, and then I noticed myself becoming bad mooded. Afterwards I realised that I allowed that within myself because I saw my sister allowing it to herself, so I - slowly, but surely - started allowing it within myself as well.

I became bad mooded, and I went to wash the dishes for two reasons: to calm myself down - physical work helps me with being here and breathing, focusing on what I'm doing. The second reason was that the kitchen was messy, and somehow I didn't want my sister, who was visiting for the first time, to get the impression that I live in a messy household. I realised right now that I was trying to appear better than her, because cleanliness was never one of her strong points, and with that I was compensating for the points where I feel inferior to her. The major point of inferiority is the fact that she graduated from law school, and now she is taking on the study of agronomy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel inferior to my sister because she has a better education than me. - I yawned right now, and I lost it. I'll timeloop a bit.

As we went on through time, I started lashing out at my sister that I had to deal with this sort of shit all my childhood, and as the eldest couldn't focus on school as much as she could, because I was on the "front line", therefore I grew up as "more lost", and how come she can't understand that. She asked me not to talk about that now, and I went into silent protest. I was answering my mother's questions with a dull yes each time she would ask me some ridiculous thing or other, giving off the "I am not satisfied, because you don't understand me" vibe to my sister.

As a child I would take on the role of the family caretaker, because my parents were irresponsible drunks.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take on the role of the family caretaker, and in that feel superior to my siblings. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I was trying to ensure my own survival/happiness by taking care/cleaning our home.

It came from my grandmother. She always had a clean home, and I was always safe with her, because she was not a drunk. She was stable. I was trying to translate that stability to our own home, and in my childhood naivete I thought that if our home was clean, it'd have the stability of my grandmothers home. So I stayed up at night, when my parents were passed out, but safely at home, and cleaned the house, hoping that in the morning the day would be good, because it would start in a clean home.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to connect stability with cleanliness.

I am yawning terribly. To be continued in the morning.

facing my fear of my mother dying

I had an interesting experience today. My mother is a psychiatric patient - every now and then she gets off her meds, and becomes crazy, because her levels of dopamine skyrocket and she starts babbling unconnected stuff.

I saw her today for the first time in a month or so... she has lost a lot of weight, because the high dopamine levels are preventing her from being hungry. My sister noticed that something is wrong, but all she did was tell my half-crazy mom to take her meds, knowing fully well that she wouldn't do that, and didn't bother with anything else.

My opinion of that was that she is selfish. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to label my sister as selfish.

I went to her, and saw her in her wretched state. It was heartbreaking, to say the least. I didn't react much, because I had done a lot of self-forgiveness on the mother point, but there was still an uneasy feeling in me. A pressure, a resistance.

I gave her some meds, which she took as soon as I asked her nicely to do it for me. I felt sorry for her, because she needs someone to direct her in her life, and she doesn't have anyone who would be willing to do so, so she hid herself in her own deluded world. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel sorry for my mother. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to pity her for the fuckup that she created for herself.

She hadn't slept in 3 days, and she was behaving like people on amphetamine psychosis, so when the medicine I gave her started to kick in, she became sleepy and asked me, and my friend who drove me there, to leave. We left shortly afterwards, and I was a bit calmer, but there was still a sort of annoyance in me, which I could not completely define.

When I came back home, I relaxed a bit, breathed a lot, and started doing physical cleaning up - it helps me with being here. All of a sudden it came to me, what the nagging feeling was - I was fearing my mother dying. It's something that has haunted me since childhood, but somehow I missed it, and it came up this time.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear my mother dying. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that now I am responsible for myself, and there is no need for my mother to keep living for me. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want my mother to live for me. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that my mother has to live her life for herself, and not me. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want my mother to do my bidding - I have not done so in quite a while, but the self-forgiveness did come up, so I hadn't dealt with this point entirely.

I have no wishes for my mother to live for me anymore. I have no need for my mother to help me or fix stuff for me in any way. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that she needs me to take care of her.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have a feeling that my mother needs me to take care of her, when in fact she doesn't, and has survived on her own until now. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take the responsibility for my mother's life onto myself. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that by doing so, I am trying to have an indirect control over my own life and safety.

This feeling that she needs me to take care of her comes from the times when I was a teenager, and I took care of her, when she would come home drunk and pass out on the sofa. I was satisfied that she passed out, because then I had control over where she was and that she wasn't hurting herself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to direct my mother, so I would have control over my own safety, which she represented.

I would cook for her, so she would have something warm to eat, when she woke from the drunk sleep, because she was always very hungry when she'd wake up. The feeling I had while doing so was one of responsibility and love for my mother, which was essentially fear of being left alone, if mother died.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to mask the fear of ending up alone, if mother died, as love for my mother. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I was masking that fear as love.

I feared my mother's death for a long long time - 30 years, to be exact. It went from being very intense when I was a child, around 7-8 years old, when I remember it being the most intense, to a slight nagging feeling a few hours ago, when I spotted it.

It is terrible how children in this world have to start abusing themselves and masking fear as love, and it is all connected with money and survival. Till here, no further.