pushing

My mother lives with in the same apartment as my siblings, everyone pays for their own room. My siblings are angry with me because I used to be a very volatile and violent person, but I've changed much during my Process. They're not willing to give me a chance to prove it, though.

So my mother's computer broke down, and she wanted one of my friends to come and fix it, and she contacted him. My friend agreed, and after that he called me to come along with him, because he doesn't really know my mother, and felt awkward going there alone. I agreed immediately, having completely forgot that I am not allowed to know where they live. Actually, there was some backchat as in: now they can't help it that I know where they live. I was all satisfied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a feeling of satisfaction, when someone needs me to do something for them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to need the feeling of being needed.

Then my friend drove up to my place, and said that my mother said that my siblings won't allow me to know where they live.

I freaked out immediately with anger, sadness, inferiority and hatred. I called my mother and asked her whether she cannot even stand up for herself to tell my siblings that I will be coming to her room, and that it's got nothing to do with them. She said no, which infuriated me even more, because a) she wouldn't stand up for me, and b) she displayed the same mental weakness that I hated as a child. She used to make me call her lovers and beg them to be with her, and I felt completely humiliated while doing that, but I couldn't stand my mother not being happy, because then she might leave me.

In any case, I told her to fuck off if she's not going to stand up, and that I never want to see her again. She reacted and replied with sending me an email in which she said that SHE doesn't want to see ME for at least a year. She was under the impression that I simply have to do self-forgiveness, and that everything will be fine, I'll stop reacting to her. That is essentially true in a perfect world, but not in ours.

She called me yesterday, and at first I didn't pick up, but having done a lot of forgiveness already, I realized that if I didn't communicate with her, it would be to "teach her a lesson", which would only perpetuate the energetic quarrel. So I called her back, and she said she wanted to see me. She said that she misses me, and she'd like to come to my place. My backchat was like: "Why the hell should I let you come to my place, if you're not showing me the same courtesy?" I also told her that I don't want to see her until she starts treating me as an equal, which means to let me come to their place. It was an energetic claim of wanting fairness. She started saying that my brother said that he would call the police, if I showed up there, which is preposterous, because the police cannot do anything if one is not violent, and he would have trouble because he's not even registered there as an inhabitant. She couldn't see that, though, because she was afraid of the threat itself.

So I told her to do her self-forgiveness on being afraid of my siblings and not standing her ground, so to speak. I told her that I will be meeting with her when I can come there, which was a total ego claim because of feeling humiliated and rejected, but she agreed, and today she sent me a sample of her self-forgiveness, which was barely scratching the surface, but it was self-honest.

There was a self-forgiveness in there about her being afraid that she'd end up alone and not being able to take care of herself when she's old, and in that moment I felt for her. I felt sympathy for her, which means that somewhere I also fear ending up alone.

I called her afterwards, because she asked for feedback, and I assured her that I will never abandon her. I quickly added that I am not saying it for her to let herself loose again, but as an encouragement to do more self-forgiveness.

She was also afraid of doing something that would trigger a violent response in me, and I assured her that I am also doing self-forgiveness, and that I'm slowly but surely getting rid of my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of being violent in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret and judge myself for allowing myself to be violent in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with violence whenever I was afraid for my future and safety.

I stop reacting with violence whenever the fear of/for the future or uncertainty of/for the future come up. I breathe and recognize the fear and self-forgive it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of people's reactions to what I have to say.

When I was little, I was being nice and polite to a passing gentleman, who didn't hear that I was simply greeting him, because I did it quietly and timidly, because I was afraid of grown-ups. The gentleman screamed at me "WHAT" three times, because I didn't repeat myself loudly enough. He seemed angry. He might have been angry at the kid he was dragging along. I took it as anger towards me, and couldn't wait to get out of that hallway as soon as I could. I felt confused with the world, because I was simply trying to be nice, to not ignore another human being passing me, which is acknowledging another as myself, but he reacted with anger, which made me not want to acknowledge others that much anymore for fear of being angry at, if I did so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear grown ups and their anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being hurt by grown ups physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking self-honestly, because I am afraid what people might think of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of people's opinion of my self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start disregarding others as myself because of fear of how they might react.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start fearing myself for becoming like grown ups.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming a grown up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear growing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and hate grown ups for being as stupid as they are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/perceive grown ups as stupid for allowing the world to be as it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of taking responsibility for finding a solution for the world as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find the quest for a solution for this world as daunting and scary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I am too small and insignificant to be able to find a solution for the world as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that in order to change the world, one must become the president of the USA. Which seemed impossible for me, because I am not from the USA, therefore I have no power, so I thought. I knew very soon that the solution to this world lies in politics. But it seemed impossible, because I was from a poor family. Therefore I slowly but surely gave in to and accepted my limitations. I am one, I can do nothing.

The first group I joined was Zeitgest Movement, but I didn't see any perspective there either, because no one suggested a political solution. I still was not satisfied. And then I found Jack's video on 2012, which told me that I am responsible, along with everyone else. That was satisfactory. Hard as hell, though. I'm just as compartmentalized from within as my world is from without. Everyone is taking care of their own ass, and so far so am I. But I'm kicking and screaming and the world is kicking and screaming in total conflict with ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the demonic nature of the human mind.

bug support with alcohol

Lately I've been having grave difficulties with my so-called friends, who are now doing everything in their power to spite me. They're gossiping about me, and being generally nasty towards me, because now they think that if they say something to my face, then they can say it behind my back as well. I am angry with them for it.

Friends in this world only like you, as long as you support their lies and self-deceptions. Once you stop standing for all that shit - you're pretty much friendless.

I've been getting a new sort of friend, though - bugs. I've been releasing my fears of bugs through self-forgiveness for a while now, and now I almost see them as pets. I'm still afraid of spiders, but I'm pushing myself to release those fears as well.

I've had an interesting experience with a species of bugs, which assisted me in letting go of alcohol.

I was at this "friend's" place, and I had a glass of beer in front of me. There were lots of insects around, and I started interacting with this green species. One of them landed on chips, and I started doing self-forgiveness on bugs on my food. The little insect started cleaning it's antennae in that moment. When I stopped doing self-forgiveness, the insect stopped cleaning itself. When I resumed, the insect resumed cleaning itself as well.

Afterwards it jumped into my glass of water, and stood on the water, utilizing water surface tension. I was amazed and I found it very interesting.

I left the kitchen for a moment, and when I came back, there was one of these green bugs in my beer, drowned, dead. I freaked out, and quickly took it out, but it was too late. There was some residual muscle movement, but the being had already left the physical.

I felt terrible. I put the insects body on a piece of paper to dry, hoping it would fly away when it dries up, hoping that the residual twitching means that it's still alive, but it wasn't.

I got the message loud and clear: "You're killing yourself by drinking alcohol."

I didn't drink alcohol that night anymore, but the next day I went back to that friend, and I had a glass of beer in front of me again. The green bugs were there too.

In a given moment one of them jumped into my beer again, to show me what I'm doing again. I panicked, and took the nearest thing (scissors) to fetch him out of it. I helped him get out, and when he was out, he looked at me intently for a moment, and then he flew away. He showed me that he had perfect control over his body, and the drowning yesterday way done deliberately - to show me what I am doing.

Now that I'm having this awful situation with my friends, I don't hang with them anymore and I don't drink alcohol. I'm realising how it really is just a social lubricant - a tool to enable us to more effectively lie to ourselves and run away from ourselves, abuse ourselves and others without feeling bad about it.

Till here, no further.