infatuation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am less than/inferior, whenever an ex gets married/becomes involved with someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be the only one girl that my partner desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that partners should be in love/have eyes only for each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in this separation of only two people having to be together forever, within that excluding the rest of existence by separating ourselves/myself into a mind dimension that is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I should be infatuated/in love/have eyes only for one person at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the feeling of infatuation, and with that addict myself to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the feeling of infatuation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I have become addicted to the feeling of infatuation, and that I cannot live without it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the energetic feeling of infatuation and believe that it is love that I must be feeling, instead of realising that this energetic feeling in my body is not in fact me, but an experience I am having of this physical body, and do not have to accept as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire/crave/pursue the energetic feeling of infatuation, and compromise myself while doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that there is no life without love, which I have mistaken the energetic feeling of infatuation for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive the energetic feeling of infatuation as good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the energetic feeling of infatuation and enjoy it, rather than breathing and staying here.

When and as I see myself wanting to experience infatuation, I stop, I breathe, I realise that that desire is not me, but in fact a pattern, a program that is keeping me from realising myself and who I am without any feelings, thoughs and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to own the person whom I perceived has triggered the energetic feeling of infatuation within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid and worried that x is going to want to stop x from being with me and having sex with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to stop my partner from being with and having sex with other women.

memories of "love"

When I was little, I used to tell my mom that I love her when I was trying to avoid being punished for something. She would come at me all aggressive and angry, and I was in total fear of corporal punishment, therefore I tried manipulating her into not hitting me by telling her that I love her. It usually didn't work, I'd get punished anyway. I tried the same thing with my father, but with him it worked even less.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my parents/people with love and tell them that I love them in order to prevent them hurting me physically/emotionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my family/people with love and tell them that I love them in order to secure their kindness towards me in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate love with kindness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to love certain people in order to get other people, who are connected to them, to like and love me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and manipulate certain men/people into liking/loving me by pretending to like/love people and things that are close to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to persuade myself that I love someone, whom I perceived to be eligible to take care of me monetarily.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that my love is conditioned with the amount of safety that I am perceiving that person being able to give me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for safety with other people, and mask it as love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that parental love exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for my parents to love me, because that would ensure my survival in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate love with survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive love as something that will keep me safe in this world from the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will never experience real love according to the definition I have conjured up in my head, instead of realising how that definition is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the power of love and wish for it to exist in spite of clear evidence of the contrary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive love as this unexplainable force that makes everything move, despite the clear evidence of it's non-existence in various forms of violence in this world.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise and understand that love is the energetic prison of the mind in which I am preoccupied and busy with my little world - chasing love, not even knowing that I am a prisoner of myself, deaf to the cries of agony and abuse of the real world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprison myself within the idea of romantic love with that special someone, despite being aware that all people I have known had several special someones, and I was expecting the same thing for myself in this life, so how can a special someone exist, if there are always more of them?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that I will never find that special someone for myself, instead of realising and understanding love and trusting myself that my observations of love do not match the general accepted belief about it, thus understanding and realising that the special someone does not exist.

My mother used to tell me that there is someone out there for everyone. I was being all sad, when I was a teen, because I hadn't experienced romantic love yet, and she said that the special someone is already walking this earth, oblivious that he is the special someone for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope and search for that special someone to give me romantic love and make me feel better about myself and complete, instead of realising that I am already complete, there are no physical parts missing from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that one can be complete only in a romantic relationship with someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that love is the most beautiful thing on earth and that I should spend all my life trying to achieve it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it the centre point of my existence to experience love and fulfil my mission of getting love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate gentleness, kindness, touching and sex with love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the urge to love someone else and show them love, and believe that that is the only time when my love is valid - through giving it to someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must be loved by another, and until I am, I have no worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate myself and give myself worth according to other people telling me that they love me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell other people that I love them in order for them to feel validated and like me in turn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from love by believing that it should come from outside from another person, and in order for that to come, I must look my best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I must look like societies definitions of beauty in order to experience love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive myself as inadequate-looking in order to be able to experience the perfect love that I perceived thin people to be experiencing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sad and angry about my looks, because I perceived that I wouldn't be able to experience love because I don't look like society's norm demands.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that only pretty and thin people get to experience love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to experience love due to my looks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as unhappy due to my looks, because of my belief that if I am not pretty/thin enough, I will not get to experience love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate love with sexual attraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not sexually attractive enough due to my weight in order to be able to experience love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself in terms of starving myself in order to achieve my illusion of love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself and my body in order to be able to experience love, without realising that conditional love is no love at all, but merely survival in the context of assuring myself sex and safety with another person in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that when I am sexually attracted to someone, I am in love with them, instead of realising that love that is based on and conditioned by physical appearance is not real love in equality, but a system of survival that keeps the human enslaved in the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am in love with a person who fits my accepted visual and societal definitions of a partner who is eligible to be the father of my potential children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pick and choose men to "fall in love with" according to my own definitions and perceptions of a perfect male for me.

When I was 12, I could choose and control whom I "fall in love with". Later that disappeared, as I started believing that one cannot have control over whom one "falls in love with".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I cannot control whom I fall in love with, despite my clear experience of me being able to do so as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the game of competing with other women in terms of looks and getting love, appreciation and attention from males.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to thin women and perceive myself as unable to participate equally within the energetic game of comparison and competition, and therefore fear that I will never be able to experience real love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be able to participate within the energetic game of comparison and competition with other women in terms of looks and getting love from males.

When and as I see myself comparing/competing with other women in terms of looks, I stop, I breathe, I investigate the point, I release it with self-forgiveness, and I direct myself within common sense towards what is best for all.

releasing love

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as spiteful, resentful and angry towards the idea of love, because I never considered myself able or capable of achieving what I considered to be perfect love.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive perfect love as a relationship that remains the same at the end as it was in the beginning, instead of realising and understanding from the physical evidence that I have observed in this world, that such love does not exist.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase the experience of love, which I have conjured up in my head.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the ideas of love that I have conjured up in my head.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed and sad, because I perceived that I wasn't able to achieve the perfect love that I have conjured up in my head.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel incredulous, angry and annoyed, whenever I see people not wanting to understand love like I do, and rather cling on to their illusion and definition of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of the fact that I was chasing love and wasn't seeing the reality and actuality of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for having chased the illusion of love instead of realising myself and the self-love I have to give myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that love exists, so that I wouldn't have to take care of myself in absolute self-honesty, but could hide behind that someone I "love" to take care of me and nurture me, instead of me doing it myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to love my partners, instead of realising and understanding that I am hiding existential fear behind the feeling of love.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become codependent with my "love" partner, and abdicate my self-responsibility to the notion and idea of love, which should be enforced with gestures and touches.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself from myself in relationships with other people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for my partner to be responsible for me and my emotional well being and monetary status in this world, instead of realising the fuckup of love and taking full responsibility towards myself as this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to demand from my partner to make me feel better about myself, because I experienced myself as unable to give to myself what my partner is able to give to me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that in making my partner responsible for my emotional and monetary well being, I am absolutely abdicating my self-responsibility and power to my partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate myself and give myself worth according to the feedback of my partner to my emotional demands, which were made in absolute abdication of self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of not being in an emotional relationship and having to take full responsibility for myself in emotional and monetary terms.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed about the situation with the illusion of love in the world, instead of realising that the annoyance is coming from a thought pattern that I have yet to untangle.
When and as I see myself becoming emotional/having a reaction towards the idea and illusion of love in this world, I stop, I breathe. I do not allow myself to go into reaction. Instead I look at the point in self-honesty, release it with self-forgiveness and direct myself in common sense towards what is best for all.

definitions of love

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mask my fear of being alone, fear of not having sex and fear of not having security in the future as love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the illusion of love in spite of clear evidence that love does not exist in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive love as an individual experience that one should strive towards getting according to the definitions of love I have picked up from the social media.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/validate/confirm love with the physical sexual urges that I have experienced within my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a conglomerate of ideas about love in my head, and with them validate and confirm the existence of love in this world, despite the evidence of its absence  in forms of wars, rapes, violence and general dissociation of the global community towards such atrocities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my sexual urges towards males as "infatuation", which "comes before actual love".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that infatuation, which is caused by hormones and neurotransmitters in my body, leads to "love", once those hormones stop working, instead of realising that I am putting a nicely ringing name to co-dependence and fear of the future/not having sex/not having security.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define love as something beautiful that just happens to two beings, instead of realising and seeing the preprogramming that exists within the patterns by which I play out my love constructs.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise the fuckup of love in the moment when I asked myself whether love is really supposed to be this hard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define love as something that one must work hard for in order to maintain it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that if I keep my sexual life interesting, that the love will never die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate/connect love with sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in love, despite the evidence of it being able to die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to marry my partner in order for us to promise each other undying love and label it as romantic, instead of realising that if love existed, no promising would actually have to be made.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that the male makes a decision on which female he is going to marry, and then he must ask her with a ring, and the female must wait for a suitable male to ask for her hand in matrimony.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for a male to romantically ask me to marry him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive marriage as romantic, instead of realising it for the economic-emotional structure that it really is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that a couple who is married must be in love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that love is the answer to all global and personal problems, instead of realising that love does not exist.

Desteni Process is the ultimate solution to conflict

Today I flipped out, because I couldn't bear to watch my agreement partner energetically woe another woman. We had a picnic together and he was busy with her all the time, and I felt awesomely betrayed, because he hadn't even asked me how I was doing. He saw that I had problems with what he's doing, therefore he was probably afraid to even approach me.

At the picnic all I could do was stare at the fire and do self forgiveness in my head and breathe and bring myself back here all the time, but in that I was also suppressing a world of self-judgement, which I have yet to fully write out.

The girl went home with us, slept over, and left in the morning before we woke up. Later in the day my partner asked me whether I would want to go to her place to hang and sleep over. I knew this was going to happen, and I went to write out my reactions beforehand, but I still failed to keep my cool when I was approached with the question.

I got angry at him for not wanting to write his desires out, but there was another Destonian in the room, and we managed to cool things down. And so we left for that place. I took my computer with me, to be able to immediately write out my reactions to my partners interaction with that girl, but when we got there, nothing happened, because she was not there. I had a bit of spiteful backchat, but I stopped it, and we went to sleep.

The next morning he woke me up in such a nice way, that I could not be angry, which is kind of a miracle, because I was always an absolute anti-morning person. My family members used to avoid me in the mornings in fear of having their heads bitten off - a consequence of long-lasting anger at having to get up in the morning and go out into this shitty world to school, and later to work. Usually all my anger gushes up in the mornings, and sometimes it's still hard to deal with it.

So everything was fine, until we started skyping each other during work. One question lead to another, and before I knew it, I was possessed by anger again. I was blaming him for not wanting to write out his desires, and he was blaming me for my reactions. In the end I told him that I will pay rent only after he writes out his desires. "But that's blackmail!" -"Yeah, deal with it."

But when he got home, we both started writing, we went for a walk, we talked, and later we did self forgiveness together on skype, which is awesomely effective. The conflict died. In my relationships this kind of situation would have lead to disaster. The contrast between agreements and relationships is quite profound.

My partner and I have been walking process together for about 4 months, and in that time we have overcome many differences, which would have made my previous relationships crumble like a house of cards. I'm eternally grateful that Desteni exists.

Consequences

Today my past came to haunt me in a spectacular way. A friend challenged me, in front of his former girlfriend, who still has feelings for him, with absolutely no regard for what she's experiencing, whether I ever wanted to have sex with him.

It was a blushing moment for me, because I had made a subtle pass, an insinuation at this person in the past, solely because at that time in my life I needed the confirmation and attention of every single male figure in my world to validate me as "desirable" and "good enough", all stemming from a deep sense of insecurity. So I blushed and said "no", because I felt awfully sorry for the girl, because I sure as hell wouldn't want something like this to be happening to me, but I saw that she was self-directive enough to not react, so I came clean and breathed through the moment, while rolling my eyes in an apologetic manner. I had made a pass at her boyfriend with no regards for other people involved in the situation, and this was not the only case when that happened. I "took over" my first boyfriend from his then girlfriend and shut off any feelings of guilt due to my own self-interest. I considered myself to be "the other woman" type, and I kind of accepted and allowed that about myself - that insatiable hunt for my own pleasures and desires, without actually regarding what I am doing to other people.

Funny thing, I wrote these self-forgivenesses just yesterday, and I was amazed at how well they worked, as I was able to stand through any and all energetic manipulations from this friend, without wanting to compromise myself for his attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to occupy men, whom I have no interest in, but still like their attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to insinuate sexual activities to men, who I have no interest in having sexual activities with, in order to get their attention and feel good about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk to other people from the starting point of validating myself through their attention, and within that compromise my expression as life within oneness and equality.

the ugly side of the mind

I've been observing lately how I manipulate myself into jealousy and desire through other people. I feed on the energy of people around me, on their attention or lack thereof. There is no me. There is only everyone else, and me wanting to be equal to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to energetically feed on people giving me attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as superior, whenever I get attention from people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependant on the energetic high of getting people's/the opposite sex's attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and become subdued to an energetic low, whenever I do not get attention from people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as unequal to people/the opposite sex, instead of realising myself as a physically equal being to all beings on earth.

Whenever I catch myself trying to overpower equal beings within my desire for attention/feeling inferior for not getting attention,- I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to need/take the right- to feed on the energetic dependence of others towards me, because I realise that this is not Life as who I am within oneness and equality.

I don't feel good in my skin. I feel like I constantly have to prove something to myself through others. I don't like myself. I need the opposite sex to like me in order for me to like myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for other people to validate me and give me worth, instead of realising that it is me who has to give myself validation and worth by stopping participating within the perceptions and beliefs that I have no worth, and even that I should have worth, because worth is a term that implies a gradient/hierarchy, which cannot exist within oneness and equality. Nothing can have worth, because everything is worth the same.

I am picky about who I want to like me. People I perceive as fat and/or ugly are out of the question. I want/need/desire what I have accepted as my own definition of beauty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and rate people according to their picture presentation, and within that completely disregard who they are as Life.

Whenever I notice myself judging/rating/grading people's appearance within my world, I stop, I breathe and I realise that I am in fact judging/rating/grading myself and valuing myself according to the energetic relationship that I have with those people. I breathe and I stop judging/rating/grading myself through grading other people.

I lie to people that looks are not that important to me, because I want to keep feeding on their energy and attention. I want them to want me, but at the same time I don't want to be with them, I simply need that fix of "being liked", therefore I will keep them dependant on me through word manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to people about my preferences in order to keep them interested in me so I can feed on my self-created energetic perception of being liked and wanted/needed.

Whenever I see someone else communicating with my target, I go crazy with jealousy and start "marking my turf" by manipulating them and myself further by touching them firmly, almost angrily, and then continue gently massaging, as to assure maximum energetic dependency on myself. I pretend to like people's hobbies and likes, and dislike their dislikes, in order to further that manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of loosing people's attention to other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I must compete for people's attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to like people's likes, and dislike their dislikes, in order to be liked by them, so that I could through them like myself, because otherwise I don't like myself.

Why don't I like myself?

Because my picture presentation, physical body and experience within this world are not as I want/need/desire them to be according to my preprogrammed mind consciousness system of thoughts, feelings and emotions. I know this, however, I still think that I can and want to achieve something, experience something more, have what I couldn't have before... within that completely disregarding the ground that I'm standing on, my own breath or the needless suffering of countless beings, which is perpetuated by that, which I am doing right now, instead of applying myself in order to get this show on the road.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie/think/believe/perceive to myself that I have no direction, and support that lie/yadayada by validating it with other people's statements about it, when in fact I do not want to direct things, because I have never directed before. I am waiting for direction to come as a result of process, instead of realising that I have to direct my self within breath in the moment according to the common sense mathematical principles of oneness and equality.