definitions of love

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mask my fear of being alone, fear of not having sex and fear of not having security in the future as love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the illusion of love in spite of clear evidence that love does not exist in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive love as an individual experience that one should strive towards getting according to the definitions of love I have picked up from the social media.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/validate/confirm love with the physical sexual urges that I have experienced within my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a conglomerate of ideas about love in my head, and with them validate and confirm the existence of love in this world, despite the evidence of its absence  in forms of wars, rapes, violence and general dissociation of the global community towards such atrocities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive my sexual urges towards males as "infatuation", which "comes before actual love".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that infatuation, which is caused by hormones and neurotransmitters in my body, leads to "love", once those hormones stop working, instead of realising that I am putting a nicely ringing name to co-dependence and fear of the future/not having sex/not having security.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define love as something beautiful that just happens to two beings, instead of realising and seeing the preprogramming that exists within the patterns by which I play out my love constructs.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise the fuckup of love in the moment when I asked myself whether love is really supposed to be this hard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define love as something that one must work hard for in order to maintain it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that if I keep my sexual life interesting, that the love will never die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate/connect love with sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in love, despite the evidence of it being able to die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to marry my partner in order for us to promise each other undying love and label it as romantic, instead of realising that if love existed, no promising would actually have to be made.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that the male makes a decision on which female he is going to marry, and then he must ask her with a ring, and the female must wait for a suitable male to ask for her hand in matrimony.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for a male to romantically ask me to marry him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/perceive marriage as romantic, instead of realising it for the economic-emotional structure that it really is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that a couple who is married must be in love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that love is the answer to all global and personal problems, instead of realising that love does not exist.

Desteni Process is the ultimate solution to conflict

Today I flipped out, because I couldn't bear to watch my agreement partner energetically woe another woman. We had a picnic together and he was busy with her all the time, and I felt awesomely betrayed, because he hadn't even asked me how I was doing. He saw that I had problems with what he's doing, therefore he was probably afraid to even approach me.

At the picnic all I could do was stare at the fire and do self forgiveness in my head and breathe and bring myself back here all the time, but in that I was also suppressing a world of self-judgement, which I have yet to fully write out.

The girl went home with us, slept over, and left in the morning before we woke up. Later in the day my partner asked me whether I would want to go to her place to hang and sleep over. I knew this was going to happen, and I went to write out my reactions beforehand, but I still failed to keep my cool when I was approached with the question.

I got angry at him for not wanting to write his desires out, but there was another Destonian in the room, and we managed to cool things down. And so we left for that place. I took my computer with me, to be able to immediately write out my reactions to my partners interaction with that girl, but when we got there, nothing happened, because she was not there. I had a bit of spiteful backchat, but I stopped it, and we went to sleep.

The next morning he woke me up in such a nice way, that I could not be angry, which is kind of a miracle, because I was always an absolute anti-morning person. My family members used to avoid me in the mornings in fear of having their heads bitten off - a consequence of long-lasting anger at having to get up in the morning and go out into this shitty world to school, and later to work. Usually all my anger gushes up in the mornings, and sometimes it's still hard to deal with it.

So everything was fine, until we started skyping each other during work. One question lead to another, and before I knew it, I was possessed by anger again. I was blaming him for not wanting to write out his desires, and he was blaming me for my reactions. In the end I told him that I will pay rent only after he writes out his desires. "But that's blackmail!" -"Yeah, deal with it."

But when he got home, we both started writing, we went for a walk, we talked, and later we did self forgiveness together on skype, which is awesomely effective. The conflict died. In my relationships this kind of situation would have lead to disaster. The contrast between agreements and relationships is quite profound.

My partner and I have been walking process together for about 4 months, and in that time we have overcome many differences, which would have made my previous relationships crumble like a house of cards. I'm eternally grateful that Desteni exists.

Consequences

Today my past came to haunt me in a spectacular way. A friend challenged me, in front of his former girlfriend, who still has feelings for him, with absolutely no regard for what she's experiencing, whether I ever wanted to have sex with him.

It was a blushing moment for me, because I had made a subtle pass, an insinuation at this person in the past, solely because at that time in my life I needed the confirmation and attention of every single male figure in my world to validate me as "desirable" and "good enough", all stemming from a deep sense of insecurity. So I blushed and said "no", because I felt awfully sorry for the girl, because I sure as hell wouldn't want something like this to be happening to me, but I saw that she was self-directive enough to not react, so I came clean and breathed through the moment, while rolling my eyes in an apologetic manner. I had made a pass at her boyfriend with no regards for other people involved in the situation, and this was not the only case when that happened. I "took over" my first boyfriend from his then girlfriend and shut off any feelings of guilt due to my own self-interest. I considered myself to be "the other woman" type, and I kind of accepted and allowed that about myself - that insatiable hunt for my own pleasures and desires, without actually regarding what I am doing to other people.

Funny thing, I wrote these self-forgivenesses just yesterday, and I was amazed at how well they worked, as I was able to stand through any and all energetic manipulations from this friend, without wanting to compromise myself for his attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to occupy men, whom I have no interest in, but still like their attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to insinuate sexual activities to men, who I have no interest in having sexual activities with, in order to get their attention and feel good about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk to other people from the starting point of validating myself through their attention, and within that compromise my expression as life within oneness and equality.

the ugly side of the mind

I've been observing lately how I manipulate myself into jealousy and desire through other people. I feed on the energy of people around me, on their attention or lack thereof. There is no me. There is only everyone else, and me wanting to be equal to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to energetically feed on people giving me attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as superior, whenever I get attention from people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependant on the energetic high of getting people's/the opposite sex's attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and become subdued to an energetic low, whenever I do not get attention from people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as unequal to people/the opposite sex, instead of realising myself as a physically equal being to all beings on earth.

Whenever I catch myself trying to overpower equal beings within my desire for attention/feeling inferior for not getting attention,- I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to need/take the right- to feed on the energetic dependence of others towards me, because I realise that this is not Life as who I am within oneness and equality.

I don't feel good in my skin. I feel like I constantly have to prove something to myself through others. I don't like myself. I need the opposite sex to like me in order for me to like myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for other people to validate me and give me worth, instead of realising that it is me who has to give myself validation and worth by stopping participating within the perceptions and beliefs that I have no worth, and even that I should have worth, because worth is a term that implies a gradient/hierarchy, which cannot exist within oneness and equality. Nothing can have worth, because everything is worth the same.

I am picky about who I want to like me. People I perceive as fat and/or ugly are out of the question. I want/need/desire what I have accepted as my own definition of beauty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and rate people according to their picture presentation, and within that completely disregard who they are as Life.

Whenever I notice myself judging/rating/grading people's appearance within my world, I stop, I breathe and I realise that I am in fact judging/rating/grading myself and valuing myself according to the energetic relationship that I have with those people. I breathe and I stop judging/rating/grading myself through grading other people.

I lie to people that looks are not that important to me, because I want to keep feeding on their energy and attention. I want them to want me, but at the same time I don't want to be with them, I simply need that fix of "being liked", therefore I will keep them dependant on me through word manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to people about my preferences in order to keep them interested in me so I can feed on my self-created energetic perception of being liked and wanted/needed.

Whenever I see someone else communicating with my target, I go crazy with jealousy and start "marking my turf" by manipulating them and myself further by touching them firmly, almost angrily, and then continue gently massaging, as to assure maximum energetic dependency on myself. I pretend to like people's hobbies and likes, and dislike their dislikes, in order to further that manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of loosing people's attention to other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I must compete for people's attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to like people's likes, and dislike their dislikes, in order to be liked by them, so that I could through them like myself, because otherwise I don't like myself.

Why don't I like myself?

Because my picture presentation, physical body and experience within this world are not as I want/need/desire them to be according to my preprogrammed mind consciousness system of thoughts, feelings and emotions. I know this, however, I still think that I can and want to achieve something, experience something more, have what I couldn't have before... within that completely disregarding the ground that I'm standing on, my own breath or the needless suffering of countless beings, which is perpetuated by that, which I am doing right now, instead of applying myself in order to get this show on the road.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie/think/believe/perceive to myself that I have no direction, and support that lie/yadayada by validating it with other people's statements about it, when in fact I do not want to direct things, because I have never directed before. I am waiting for direction to come as a result of process, instead of realising that I have to direct my self within breath in the moment according to the common sense mathematical principles of oneness and equality.

Fucking around

Lately I've been fucking around with my relationship constructs. I've been identifying point after point, and I was rather successful, but I've also been avoiding facing some points, like my weight.

I've been overweight all my life, and I experience it as this grave injustice. Why do I have to have such a metabolism, and other people can eat what they want? My weight is fucking with me in my head, and I cannot have proper interactions with people because of it.

If I want to loose weight, I have to starve, which is a wonderful point of self-sabotage. I've always perceived myself as unable to please men with my looks, until one time I starved myself to a much smaller size, and went into the opposite polarity of catching the attention of every guy I wanted and all the guys I didn't want. And even then I couldn't hold onto the one guy I wanted to be with, lol. This whole love business has been one big struggle in my life, therefore I was thrilled to learn what I've always known within myself - that it's all bullshit.

Despite the fact that I fully understand that, I still struggle with my own energies of looking for the safety that is implied within the construct of love, because I've never felt safe, having come from a pretty poor family and having virtually no material possessions within this world. I'm talking about owning my own home. If I did, I couldn't care less about who loves me and who doesn't. Pretty fucked up, since there's people in this world who are going through unbelievable physical pain because of having nothing to eat. I know the discomfort of being hungry, because I've subdued myself to it half of my life because of wanting to loose weight and looking for that safety that is implied within love. But I've never felt actual pain due to not having eaten for weeks. There's absolutely no way in my reality that I would not have been exposed to food for so long. So that is pretty fucked up, and I stop right here and now to try and loose weight, and start caring for my body regardless of its weight.

I perceived that I was always struggling, because loosing weight is "hard work". When I was watching what I was eating, or rather, didn't eat, I lost weight at snail speeds. I lived with a girl who was thin and perfect. One time we went without food for an entire weekend. At the end of that fast she weighed 3 kilograms less, and me only 0,5. I was outraged, sad, unhappy, completely despairing. "I will never be able to do this." Within that - I knew the whole time that letting go of the desire to do it is the way to go, however, I was still wanting to experience "love", which goes through sex and picture manipulation. LOL.

It stops here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to please men with my looks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to loose weight in order to please men with my looks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to starve and abuse my physical body within the desire to please men with my looks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to catch a man into the construct of love, so that I would feel safe and taken care of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate and define love with safety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pressured to loose weight and achieve the model of beauty I have defined for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my being overweight as a grave injustice that is happening to me, instead of realising it as my own personal program/drama that keeps me occupied and ineffective within this world, where people starve to death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/define love as bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate "love", because I perceived myself as unable to find/create it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to find/create love with another person, instead of realising that I have to love myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body with starving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for abusing my physical body with starving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the construct of beauty within this world, and abusing my physical body by doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel spiteful towards men who participate with the beauty construct within this world and are judging me for my appearance, instead of realising that it is about me judging my appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/define my appearance as not pleasing enough when I am overweight a lot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to loose weight in order to have a pleasing appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by my appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to thin women due to my appearance.

Relationships

Since the beginning of process I've been basically ending up alone. That's what process primarily was for me - my world falling apart and me helping it along, while learning to stand up within it all. I've done all of that alone, and I've developed a certain amount of assertiveness, but I've also been deluding myself that I have changed dramatically. Yes, I have changed a lot, to the point that my family and friends have recognized big changes in me, but in the face of a self-willed equal, my experience is the same as it always was. That is to say that I still go "ROAR", whenever I encounter something that I do not like, and I want to overpower, only now I cannot blame it on my mind, nor do I want to, because mind is part of me.

Up to this point I somehow managed to get everything done the way I wanted it, and when I couldn't, I dealt with it with ease within myself, but now things are very different, because a self-willed equal can stand through manipulation points, where other people can't. Previously I had no expectations of people within my world, because I knew more or less that they wouldn't really hear, because they're not self-willed. So I did my thing and learned to rather enjoy myself alone, to the point where I prefer it over people's company. Because when I have company, I only go on and on about equality and the world in general, and I get rather bored with personal trivia if it's not shared in support, and I don't allow much of what I've allowed previously, so people who want to push what I don't allow within myself simply remove themselves, and that's it. No harm done.

But now I came to a point, where I'm a wee bit lost, because all my perceptions and expectations have nullified themselves, and I'm in uncharted territory. Walking with a processee is turning out to be more difficult than walking alone, which is just another proof that I have to stick to this, because difficult is where the actual change is at. I'm pushing through two sets of resistances now, and sometimes I explode a little. Today I was actually threatening to leave. That will not happen, I will stick to this if it kills me.

There is a certain amount of holy anger in me. I take responsibility to point out the fuckedness of the situation and expose the things I have walked and know. That's what I mean by pushing through two sets of resistances. We're allone in the end.

A funny point I have been experiencing lately is aloneness. The funny part is that I do not experience it when I am actually alone. I experience it within the relationship construct I have obviously built up with this person, because when he's home, I feel alone. I feel like there's a big wall, where there should be fluent communication, which means that I have fucked myself over nicely with them expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to threaten people with leaving, if they don't do as I say/ask.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as superior to people, whenever I threatened them with leaving, if they don't do as I say/ask.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of people leaving if I don't do as they say/ask.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as inferior, whenever I was afraid of people leaving, if I don't do as they say/ask.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear/inferiority, whenever I didn't want to do something that other people asked of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the experience of holy anger, supported within my mind with arguments of equality, which I have not yet reached.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utter the word equality without being aware of my breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for another's process, when I have not dealt with my own yet.

Jealousy

Today I realised the point that has been haunting me for two days now. I was absolutely jealous of my friend, who hasn't written out sex to an extent where it can be self-directed, and is therefore still having energetic mind relationships, which he's trying to establish in the physical. I have tried warning him that the physical will be relentless, if he doesn't let go. I was speaking from personal experience, because I've been there. There is fuckedness beyond belief when going against equality and common sense in pursuing energetic sex, that much is true. However, I didn't notice that I am simply terribly jealous of him, because I do not allow myself this kind of behaviour anymore. I went into a sort of 'how dare you still pursue this when even I have come to terms with it' behaviour. 'There's a whole planet suffering, we don't have time for this shit.' My mind is terribly good at manipulating itself, and looking for a back door, through which I could fall again.

The point that is bothering me, in essence, is touch (not necessarily in a sexual way). I've been busy with touch for a while, and I have all sorts of mind definitions and pictures of how nice it feels, so those have got to go. I am missing touch, because I am so separated from myself, that me touching me doesn't do the trick.